Timothy (pronounced tee-MO-thee) and I got snowed in at the Franklin Walmart on January 29.  We drew the evening shift Tuesday night and as fate would have it the parking lot got snowed over so much that “Babe Magnet”, also known as my ’97 Ford Escort, was useless. Timothy, who had gotten a ride from his “Moms,” was likewise stranded when he found out she wasn’t coming back out to get him.

Editor’s Note: We at The Jivewater News are happy to bring back Jonathan, our local Wal-Mart Greeter, who after holding out for a couple months in a contract dispute, is back to bring you his column few know, and even fewer love.

Walter and I spent the 12th through the 14th on a little road trip down South. Corporate sent us on an all expense paid trip to the 12th annual Wal-Mart Greeter Convention, held this year in Jacksonville, FL, and boy, was it ever hot! Three paid days to travel, lodge, take in the sights, and swap Greeting techniques (and maybe if you’re lucky a little spit), with other fellow Wal-Mart Greeters.

Lawanda and I were supposed to spend the 9th through the 10th of June in the Wal-Mart in Franklin. We had planned on doing the usual three-day shift, but with the storm approaching so fast Lawanda was afraid of having trouble getting her big butt out of her driveway. So instead of her coming in a little early, she called out completely. I’m sure she thought it was a good call as we ended up with torrential rains that day. However, I wouldn’t be honest with you if I didn’t share with you that part of me enjoyed the thought of Lawanda out on her front lawn trying to escape the waters but couldn’t because she kept going under on account of her huge rear. It really is the little things that get you through a double shift.

Well Tiffany and I have been busy. We did two, three-day, 12-hour shifts back-to-back to cover Myron’s lazy trifling self recently, who called out twice in four days. Once because he said he had explosive diarrhea, yet 3 hours later I see him on my Facebook feed at the Darius Rucker concert. You’re a damn liar Myron. Maybe Jonathan wants a little Wagon Wheel in his life too? And let’s not talk about the hangover symptoms as a result that caused you to miss the next day.  I’d steer clear, Myron. 

Shitonya and I spent the 28th through the 20th in the Franklin Wal-Mart.

Lots of customers were high, as with the first of the month hitting, everyone and their baby momma had gotten their check, and had cash to burn.  I wish I could say I was glad to finally get back on the job, as it’s been about eight weeks since I last roamed the store.  I was sent to sensitivity training because of my recent run-ins; it’s just Wal-Mart covering their rears for the future.  Oh well.  I had to sign a bunch of papers, saying I was cured, and that I wouldn’t use Boone’s Farm as a weapon in the future, you know, the typical stuff.