COURTLAND—A public hearing was held Monday at the Southampton County Government Center for replacing the Route 35 bridge over the Nottoway River just west of Courtland.
County Administrator Richard Cocker said Virginia Department of Transportation officials have previously discussed the project with the Board of Supervisors.
Since that time, Cocker has expressed concerns to VDOT for public safety and economic impact on Courtland when the 83-year-old bridge is closed for nearly 2 years for replacement. At the hearing Monday night, several citizens stepped up to the plate with an assortment of ideas to alleviate the burden of the missing bridge.
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Southampton citizen, Buck Wild, who was acknowledged before the hearing with a plaque for perfect attendance at public hearings for the past 5 years, took the podium first and delivered his take on the subject. “First ‘f all, dis sum bullsheit,” said Wild, with the crowd nodding as if they’ve heard this speech before. “You cain’t tell me it’s go’n take 2 years to build a gawl dern 30-foot bridge. If halfa VDOT won’t soul-poling it along the shore, the damn bridge’d be up in two weeks. But if it’s gon’ take y’all all decade to build the dang thing, we might as well go all out. We oughta get us a ramp on both sides, and to cross, you got to jump that sumbitch. You know, like them ol’ Duke boys. It ain’t that far. We’ll get some guy that sounds like ol’ Waylon to talk on a loudspeaker when you ‘bout to cross.” |
Little Big Chief of the Nottoway tribe had another option. “My tribe for centuries ferried white man across river for simple trade. We laugh heartedly, when white man refuse pay 20 dollars for aid crossing river. Tribe sit on river bank, watch white man attempt caulk wagon and float across river. Then, wagon overturn, white man lose hundreds of pounds clothing, food, oxen, white woman drown in water 3 feet deep. If only white woman stood up. Alas, Great Spirit condemn bridge for reason, let Nottoway Ferry Lines guide all across river!”
Offering a third option, through his interpretor, Jasper Holmes, Carl Thomas of Boykins passionately called for inaction. “In this day in time, everyone is trying to get from point A to point B in a big hurry. Everyone needs to cool their jets, and hang out in front of their respective convenience stores. This bridge will be built soon enough, and I know I’m covered, I still got that Schlitz raft. Why you need to get across the river when you already right where you need to be, smack dab between two 7-11’s? Courtland people got it made, ain’t even know it.”
A gentleman who simply went by “Doc” proposed time travel as a way to get across. He showed up in fancy 1984 Delorean and postulated that you could start in 2012 on one side of the bridge, and that if you hit the right speed in time before the bridge ran out and fell into the river, you would jolt ahead two years to when the bridge was completed. He seemed concerned about not having enough flux capacitors to go around, so that plan may be tabled for now.
Wynonna Judd, who was in town trying to revive her career by attempting to get work at next year’s county fair, also felt the need to speak. “It’s been my experience that Love can build a bridge, between Courtland and 35. Don’t you think its time?” Her proposal did receive a smattering of boos however, and Cocker asked security to remove that biggie-sized Travis Tritt look-alike from the hearing.
The final proposal of the evening called for a sky rail that went from one side of the river to the other. “We could charge 2 dollars a ride, and people would be able to see the scenic river, with Bud Light cans and Jungle Juice bottles littered along the banks. It could be a tourist attraction, just like Las Vegas! We could get in on the ground floor of this thing, Southampton High School could become the premiere authority on suspended cable cars,” said failed political candidate Gump Yaksummore.
Before the bevy of ideas were presented, construction on the $13.8 million bridge was expected to begin in September 2013, with a seven-mile detour code-named The Courtland Trail planned via Route 58 and Business Route 58. Citizens should take great care in deciding what month to begin the detour, and how fast they want to get to their destination. Officials advise that too strenuous a pace could tire your oxen, and if you go during hunting season, game is likely to be scarce in the region, leaving starvation as a possibility. Travelers should use caution on their journey, and it’s always wise to bring a Doctor, as party members may suffer from measles, snakebite, dysentery, typhoid fever, cholera, and/or exhaustion.