FRANKLIN- Despite facing heavy resistance, Franklin’s Mayor has banned Sun Drop, and all of it’s 20 oz., fluorescent, effervescent, citrusy, sugary goodness from Franklin’s borders, after the board approved the ban Thursday.
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The Mayor’s anti-Sun Drop pitch, which made local headlines when it was unveiled in May, will prevent the sale, distribution, and consumption of Sun Drop within Franklin city limits. The Mayor led the brigade against Sun Drop, after rumors spread that the Yellow 5 ingredient contained in Sun Drop made men’s manhood shrink in size. The Mayor was quoted saying, “We can’t be having our men running ‘round with lil’ dinky wangs. So at this time, Sun Drop is considered a detriment to your health, and will not be consumed within our great town.” The Mayor believes to be backed by clinical research done by local doctors. “We all noticed a disturbing pattern of size loss in the male package,” said local urologist, I.C. Youpee. “With thorough research, we’ve concluded that the only thing it could be was Sun Drop, as the higher concentrations of Sun Drop consumption in the area and shrinking size have to be related.” |
There has been some that dispute the findings in the medical community, however. Dr. Coppenfeel, of the Cooter Scooter believes that the male shrinkage is due to excess belly fat, and not Sun Drop. “Let’s be honest here,” said Coppenfeel, “these men aren’t shrinking, it’s their gut crowding their love muscle. I can’t tell you how many of my patients are upset about their husband’s belly fat getting in the way of a good time. Yellow 5 is taking the fall for something it didn’t cause.”
The Sun Drop ban was not received well by Franklin’s citizens. “I’ve been drinking Sun Drop my whole life,” said one concerned citizen, “to think that I’ll have to switch to Mountain Dew, or God forbid Mello Yello is just too much to bear. I think I’ll just save money and switch to my own urine, it probably tastes about the same.”
Another resident, Ester Gum, also wasn’t pleased. “First they take away my cigarettes, then Bob Barker retires, now they took my Sun Drop. This country ain’t how it used to be. When I was coming along, we had lead in everything. And the smart kids, they knew not to eat the lead. But the dumb ones, they all ate the lead and died. And everyone accepted it as look, he was bound to have died early of something, he wasn’t too bright, and everyone took solace in that. It was just how it was, no government telling you what you can and can’t have. Now everything is so relegated, idiots are living until 90, drawing all the social security and killing our economy. How is this better?”
With news of the ban spreading, law enforcement officials expect there to be heavy Sun Drop trafficking through the area, and have hired more officers to combat the illegal distribution and transportation of the banned substance. Experts also believe many Franklin residents will go across the county line into Southampton to consume Sun Drop. “This is just great,” said Trooper Stanley Johnson, “Before I only had to worry about drunk drivers, now I have to worry about Franklin bound drivers hopped up on Sun Drop. Just got my Yellow 5 Breathalyzer today, next thing you’ll know they’ll want me to measure every dude’s junk for shrinkage. That’s politicians for you.”
Sunny Drop, IV, CEO of Sun Drop Enterprises was shocked to learn of the ban. “We are deeply concerned about the ban, and as a business are unsure if we can continue. The Southampton/Franklin area made up about 90% of our revenue stream, so losing half of that is going to put quite a financial burden on us. We’ve considered switching to a different dye, Yellow 6, but don’t feel it will have the radioactive glow of Yellow 5. I guess it could be worse, we aren’t trying to sell Mello Yello.”
The Sun Drop ban is effective immediately, and the medical experts believe that any damage done is irreversible. However, they hope that with continued abstinence from Yellow 5, future generations should grow and prosper. Citizens should remain alert, at this may only be the beginning in preventative legislation.