FRANKLIN – Pundits proclaimed Virginia to be a battleground state early in the Presidential campaigns, and for once, they were correct, as the local area saw a tightly contested, often heated race that boiled over into last Wednesday morning. Several restless voters went straight to the Wal-Mart late last Tuesday evening to wait in the long lines for what was necessary. With only two cashiers on hand, people waited 45 minutes or more to purchase shotgun shells, other ammunition, Budweiser, Andre Champagne and Magnum condoms.
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Death Apparently |
While standing in the long line, Southampton resident, Danny Thompson, was beside himself. “This whole country is just gone to shit,” said Thompson. “I tried to warn everyone, beating every bush out there on the trail, but my God, I’m surrounded by idiots. That’s okay though, don’t come to me asking for help when it all goes to hell in a handbasket. I’ve got it all figured out, and enough Budweiser and ammunition to wait it out in my bomb shelter. I’ve got to do what’s right for my family.” Tanya Jones, of Windsor, also felt the sting. “We’re all gonna have our reckoning sooner, rather than later. December 21st is coming people, this is only the beginning.” When The Jivewater News inquired what the significance of that date was, Tanya replied, “Why, Senior Editor…. you don’t know? It’s the Barackolypse! Better get yourself right with the Lord!” |
Kesha Moore, 19, of Franklin was a first time voter Tuesday, and was seen out celebrating President Obama’s re-election. “I’m just excited,” said Kesha, “When I heard he was running again, I knew I had to vote for him. He’ll pay your car note if you can’t pay it and let you keep your car, I know all about that auto bailout thing. He’s great, I’m gonna get that Hyundai I’ve been wanting now!”
Todd Jameson of Suffolk, only had a brief comment for those complaining in line, “Suck it, and quit your bitchin’. I had to stand there and take it while you ass clowns voted in Bush twice, how’s it feel?”
Staunch Romney supporter, Buck Wild, 37, of Courtland, was also in Wal-Mart, and was visibly upset at the election results. Stated Buck Wild, “I’m goin’ home, gon’ load my shotgun, wait by the door ‘n light a cigarette. Obama wants a fight, well now he’s got one, he ain’t seen me crazy yet. Can’t stand his face, and he treats us like a rag doll, that don’t sound like no President. I’m gon’ show him what country boys is made of, gunpowder and lead!” Wild then spit his tobacco on the Wal-Mart floor and denied further comment.
Others in line were concerned about the country’s future. “I know gas is gonna be 7 bucks a gallon by Christmas, I’m gonna have to take back that pony I’m giving my daughter so I can ride back and forth to work on him,” said one doom-and-gloomer, who was stockpiling Spam for the Barackolypse.
“At least you’ll still have a job,” said another shopper, “unemployment’s gonna be 20% soon, I’ll have to bury all my cash in the backyard so the government won’t come get that too. Damn socialists!”
“I’m moving to Canada,” said a middle aged man purchasing every can of Steel Reserve in the store, “to hell with this shit.”
“We just can’t baaaalieve it. We’ve lost all faith in humanity. Every single person who exercised their right to vote and didn’t vote for Romney is stupid, just plain stupid,” said the escaped flock of sheep that Farmer Jack Aisse was trying to round up in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
Jasper Higgenbottom , also in line purchasing a savory box of wine, summed up the week, quietly stating, “As the sun continues to rise and set, to the shock of many Romney supporters, the nation will possess a now two-term President, presiding over a deeply split country. As Congress continues to bicker, accomplishing nothing, it becomes quite apparent that they are perfect representatives of their constituents. They’re filled with the same vitriol and unyielding behavior as those that voted them in. Reactions I heard in the 48 hours following the election were despicable and are the #1 reason why we’ll continue to be in the shitter. You threaten to move to Canada? Go on then. People seem to forget when they are throwing stones at the President, that the United States population is about 312 million and increasing every day. This is a lot of people for one man to please. And one of the many reasons the debt is higher than it has ever been is because this is 2012… not 1612. Suddenly our President is the one responsible for allowing citizens to continue on government assistance, as they have for years before him; and suddenly every person who has ever received government assistance is a lazy worthless bum. Well, I bet those same people who think that didn’t mail back that stimulus check they got under Obama couple years ago; they took it straight to the bank. Hypocrites, these people. The problem with our country isn’t all at the top, it starts at the bottom, it starts with individual citizens, communities, and towns. I believe it was the great John F. Kennedy who said, ‘ask not what your country can do for you—ask what you can do for your country.’ But this day, no one wants to be inconvenienced to gain anything. They all want to pay less taxes, cut spending to a minimum, but at the same time want improved schools, utilities and the like. And God forbid we try doing something politically that would benefit someone other than ourselves. It’s all about ME, ME, ME and as long as everyone has that outlook, we’ll never get anything done. Sometimes you have to appease the man in the boat first before he grabs the rudder.”
Higgenbottom continued on his way out the door, “And let’s not get on the topic of race, or how Romney supporters blame Obama’s election on the black vote, disregarding the fact that he also had the Hispanic and Asian vote, and a good percentage of the white vote, and I’m sure a huge women’s vote; which added up to half of the entire country; also disregarding the fact that Romney looks like a creep, but seriously, Republicans want to dictate how a woman cares for her reproductive system? I knew Obama would win. I really don’t care what color or sex voted for him, the fact that he pulled off a win twice speaks volumes to me. Some of these folks that think they know it all already might ought to start listening. The man ain’t the devil, and this ain’t your great-great-granddaddy’s America anymore.”
As Higgenbottom was getting into his vehicle, a ’96 Lincoln Town Car, he continued. “Anyway, to be President, at the end of the day, is just a contest. Do you campaign to win your job? I didn’t think so. So how anybody can be so warped into strongly supporting one candidate over the other, to the point they can label half the nation as stupid for not agreeing with them, is beyond me. You don’t know these men, or what they’ll really do. So who is really stupid? I know one thing, I’m an American, and to me that means having a positive outlook that we will overcome the troubles we face, and it means not uttering ignorant generalized statements about the President of our country, no matter who he is, and not spouting off biased comments that show what an imbecile with a despicable attitude I really am. This crap right here is why wars start in other countries. This way of thinking. People are right to say our country is headed to shit, only it’s not due to the President, it’s due to the asshole looking back at you in the mirror. I hope some of these people do move to Canada and get the hell up out of here. They make me sad. I’m just going home to take my wife this box of wine and feed my dog and thank the good Lord we don’t have to do this for another 4 years.”
Allison Whitehead, a waitress at the local Applebee’s, said this was her first time to vote and she did so for Romney, stating “Obamacare – we don’ need that. I don’ know what it is, but I know we don’ need it.”
(Note from Senior Editor: I’m not one to end an article abruptly, but I went home after that. I didn’t even bother getting a to-go box for my over-cooked steak.)