COURTLAND—Southampton Department of Social Services will be hosting the First Annual Child Prevention Awareness Fair on Saturday, May 4.
This year’s location is at the local Chuck E. Cheese. The Fair will begin at 10 a.m. and last until they’ve all graduated college.
The first annual event is aiming to educate fertile teens and adults about the pitfalls of parenthood, and hopes to make couples, loose women, and gunslingin’ men think twice before conceiving. Special activities sponsored by Trojan include:
- the same episode of Barney playing on repeat
- a sensory deprivation room, where screaming children yell Mom! Mom! Moooom! at participants for several hours
- a Bounce House with several asshole bully kids who try to shove and kneecap you
- a table of food with shit kids can’t eat
- a Madden football booth, where you and a five year old, not of your choice, square off
- Dr. Coppen A. Feel will be on hand to offer discount tube-tying
If weather permits, join us for a 9-inning T-ball game for children aged newborn up to 4 years. This no mercy rule, 3 outs mandatory game is sure to have you snip-snipping in no time. Alcohol is not permitted, and all the participants most certainly get a trophy, even the kid who spent the entire 4th inning making a sand castle, and followed that performance up with an epic booger-eating competition when he was at the plate.
When fair goers have experienced all the events, an afternoon symposium will be held where battered and worn down parents speak of the horrible atrocities they’re experiencing with that little hellion of theirs. Leigh Z. Person will be on hand to sign autographs, and so graciously donated several of her kids to participate in this event. This event is free and open to the public, with funding from The Teach Your Kids Some Shit So They Won’t Rob Us Coalition (TTYKSSSTWRUSC).