FRANKLIN—Taylor Swift made a stop at the Kangaroo Express gas station in Franklin this week. On her way to a concert in Virginia Beach, Swift needed to take a quick detour for “relief,” said spokeswoman Nicole Penny.
“We have a rule on our tour bus,” Penny said, “if its yellow, let it mellow, if its brown flush it down, if you’re about to gush, get off the bus. So that’s why we’re in this little town of yours today.”
Taylor Swift, born in 1990, relies solely on individuals and corporations whose taste in music revolves around capricious tales of lost loves and her disdain of so-mean past boyfriends. Her music describes the wake of spurned lovers left in her path, who all believed they’d soon be getting to second base, only to be an object of a hit song months later. “I’ve got to say, if you have an issue with a guy or two, then yeah, it’s likely that the guy could be crazy, but if you keep having men trouble repeatedly, and telling everyone ‘no, he’s the crazy one’, well… we can only buy the girl who cried crazy ex-boyfriend so many times,” said everyone over the age of 25.
With her “success” not enough for her, she’s now trying to finish off the career of Tim McGraw by lyric bombing his song. Although to be fair, Faith Hill Yoko Ono’ed Tim’s career long before Taylor came along. Swift is a multi-millionaire because of all of this.
It costs approximately $2,500 to attend a Taylor Swift concert. “Many parents are faced with the dilemma of ‘do I put this money away for their college, or let them go to this Taylor Swift concert,’” said John Hand, an unfortunate parent of 4 tweenage girls. “I then realize that they like this music, and that they’re doomed to begin with, so to hell with college, ignorance is truly bliss I guess.”
“We don’t want to speculate right now,” added Penny, “but Taylor seems to thinks one of her exes put Visine in her Pepsi. It was probably that damn Jonas brother getting back at her. That poor girl has the darndest luck with men.”
“I hope she’s done soon,” said Jimmy Casper, manager of the Franklin Kangaroo Express. “We heard some awful sounds coming from in there. Lot of agony; I’ve heard at least 5 courtesy flushes. I also won’t swear to it, but I think I heard a guitar playing too. But I hope this is over soon, you’d think having a celebrity in your store would be a good thing, but I’m not so sure the Teen Queen of word diarrhea unfurling a massive dump in our rest area is what we had in mind. On second thought, I guess if I had to choose, I’d rather hear noise coming out of that end than her usual alternative.”
Forty-five minutes later, Swift emerged from the Kangaroo Woman’s restroom obviously frazzled, with her guitar in hand. With toilet paper still sticking to her shoe, she glided back towards her tour bus, where a throng of 13 year old girls had gathered to catch a glimpse of their idol. Before getting back on the bus, Swift addressed her fans, “I want to thank all of you for being here and supporting me through this process. It’s been a tough time for me today, you’re gonna have some mean people in your life, just know that when those days come to stay calm, and just write a song about it, and burn their picture. While I was sitting on that toilet, having my innards become outtards, I wrote a new song called “The Little Shit Who Made Me Take a Big Shit But He Will Always Be a Little Shit Anyway So There.” It’s about when you feel like you love a boy, and he calls you and sends you flowers, but you’re trying to watch cartoons, so you tell him to leave you alone and stop calling me, and he breaks up with you for no reason, so you key his truck, and then he gives you food poisoning to get back at you, so you write his name in a song, so no girls want to go out with him again. I think it’ll show a more mature Taylor Swift. Well, I hate to leave this little town, I hope you can come see me at my next show!”
One crazed fan immediately dashed into the Kangaroo restroom to try to retrieve any remnants left from Swift’s carnage and was rewarded, as a lone floater still remained. This item is currently up for auction on eBay. It will take some searching however, as searching “Taylor Swift shit” on eBay returned 2,349,992 results. Happy bidding.