YOUR BACKYARD — Fireworks. They’re your God-given birthright. Since man discovered fire, he has wanted to make big flame in sky. When alcohol was discovered years later after fire, along with it came the perfect combination for a night of fun: Fireworks + Alcohol = Good Time.
With July 4th just around the corner, it’s likely you’ve been inundated with fancy city-slicker fireworks safety precautions scaring you into thinking your celebrations could come to a sudden – and possibly tragic – conclusion. These liberals like to remind everyone not to forget about fireworks safety so they can monopolize all firework shows, taking your hard earned cash, feeding into “their” economy.
The following guide is provided to assist citizens with their own fireworks show, “the man” not included:
- Remember, you can’t run with the big dogs if you’re still on the porch, and you can’t steal second with your foot on first (or if you’re BJ Upton, in which case you can’t even get to first base to attempt to steal second), and it’s only illegal if you get caught. The safest way to prevent fireworks-related injuries and property damage is to be introduced to fireworks at a young age. If they can grasp your finger, they can grasp a bottle rocket. If they are already walking, you are far behind the curve, so be sure to include them in all firework lighting activities. Don’t be afraid to let them touch. Hands-on learning is the quickest way to becoming a successful firework artist. If you start them as soon as possible, you’ll be beaming with pride when your boy, Jethro, is lighting the night for all to see to celebrate his fifth grade graduation, also known as his final year of schoolin’.
- You’ll also be delighted to know that any residential area will suffice for your fireworks displays. The optimal time to light these neighborhood firework shows is 1 AM to 4 AM. This will allow for maximum darkness and will be the quietest time as well, to be able to hear the thunderous clap of your handiwork. Check with your local parks and recreation division websites for details on when they will have their own puny fireworks display, so that you may having dueling shows. Chicks love a man with a good fireworks show.
- In your weekly trek to the Wal-Mart, you will notice they sell fireworks. Keep right on walking brother, those shit sticks won’t even blow yer hat off, much less yer dern thumb! If you can buy them in plain sight, you shouldn’t be buying them. Haven’t you got a cousin in Mexico? Know a guy who can get you anything, no questions asked? These are the people you will want to talk to about getting your fireworks. If you have a question on what the proper fireworks should look like, here’s the answer: If it doesn’t look like dynamite, walk away.
If you’ve followed all the steps so far successfully, the fire marshal will show up, guaranteed. If you’re a man’s man, I don’t need to tell you to tell him you ain’t hearing his shit. You’re a damn volunteer fireman, and you ain’t got to take shit from anyone. If anyone is the professional, it’s you! He’ll start hemming and hawing, at which point you will inform him to hold onto his ass as you light up the sky. In awe of you, he will tip his hat, get your number, and definitely call you personally the next time there is a big fire, as he will see that you are a man not to be trifled with and someone he can count on to handle his way around a fire. He will, however, not shake your hand, as he isn’t sure the proper etiquette of shaking a hand with just two good fingers on it. He will most definitely call you “Chief,” henceforth.
If you plan to discharge approved fireworks on your property do the following:
- Keep a bucket of ice nearby for all your alcoholic beverages. I don’t know how many times I’ve been to a fireworks show where the man lighting up the sky goes dry halfway through. If he has his priorities straight, he’ll run off to refill, leaving the sky dark for several minutes. Don’t make this amateur mistake!
- Always have a lit cigar on hand. You never know when you will have to relight malfunctioning fireworks. Douse these fireworks with lighter fluid and turn those duds into studs.
- For an extra wrinkle of sounds, light fireworks in a container, especially glass or metal containers.
- There should never be unused fireworks so don’t worry about storing them.
- Directions and warning labels are for people who need their life plotted out for them. You’re an original, you don’t need no damn directions. Besides, you stopped trying to read when you couldn’t sound out “precaution.” If the fireworks are marked with the contents, directions, and warning labels, the only instruction you need is to light them all at the same time right in the package. It’s clearly part of the grand finale package and you do not want to undo the professional packers handiwork.
If there’s any other questions, just remember this rule of, er… “thumb”: If you don’t lose a digit or two, you ain’t doin’ it right!
