Editor’s Note: We at The Jivewater News are happy to bring back Jonathan, our local Wal-Mart Greeter, who after holding out for a couple months in a contract dispute, is back to bring you his column few know, and even fewer love.
First, let me address my holdout. Few of you are aware that Senior Editor and I have had differences recently in how my work here has been compensated. In the past, I’d write one or two entries a month for this “newspaper” in exchange for a paltry sum. I’ve been of the opinion that my column is the only thing propping up this outfit, and that without it, this venture would fold within a week. While I’m out here on the front lines of the Wal-Mart, mingling with the real people, Senior Editor is writing crap about God knows what, taking on some political subject or joking on flatulence, but reaping all the benefits of my work. After a few weeks of holding out, I’m pleased to announce that my demands were finally met. You are now reading a column written by a man that is a 12 pack of Busch Light and 3 lotto scratchers a week richer and who has dibs on the waitress at Applebee’s should that situation ever arise. Yes, I’m a rich bitch! Just so you know, nothing was lost, as I still continued to work on my column, so eventually you will be caught up. Until then, here’s the first entry written during my holdout.
Kwashon and I spent the 30th of September through the 1st of October in the Franklin Walmart.
The store was clearly low on oxygen levels as it seemed there were about 6 million unhealthy people walking around slowly, wheezing, making the noise fat people make when they breathe and all of them seemed like they were out of breath after each aisle. I guess our low prices really do take your breath away. Its kinda like watching a real-life Walking Dead episode in your own store, they’re all slow moving, you’re pretty sure they aren’t alive, and if you get too close to them, there’s a good chance they’ll eat you. This is why I avoid the newly returned Twinkie section.
On this shift, the coolest critter I saw was this giant bald chick right about in the Automotive section of the Wal-Mart. She still had on her Tweety bird bedroom slippers from the night before I presume. Not only that, but she was unleashed up top, making her have what appeared to be an amorphous blob underneath. It was like the sun, it was best to not look directly at it. I tried to chase her down and get a picture, ‘cause dammit, if I got to see it, so do you, but she kept looking at me. I’m not ashamed to admit, she probably would have whipped up on me pretty good, so I wasn’t about to take any unnecessary risks.
I had a couple of extraordinary experiences coming in early on Sunday. First I ran into three kids having an all-out Nerf war. They were trying to lift the giant Nerf Sniper gun from the bottom of the shelf. The gun was so massive that it was taller than the kid trying to wield it.
A little history is in order here. When I was coming along, Nerf guns, while still awesome, would shoot foam balls, darts whatever only a few feet before they lost momentum. These guns they have now can put your eye out from 100 feet away. They even have what amounts to an automatic assault Nerf gun. Kids don’t know how good they’ve got it.
Needless to say, I quickly enlisted with the ragtag outfit, and it was war for 30 minutes. We took turns taking shots at unexpecting shoppers, and we briefly had to retreat when little Lionel aimed a little too true and knocked the glasses off a lady riding in the handicap cart. She started yelling at the kids, said some inappropriate things, but she wasn’t getting off the cart, as her slothfulness would just not allow it. The kids’ parents finally showed up later, I guess to pick up their parents of the year award for leaving their 8 year olds unattended with a stranger, so the battle of the Franklin Wal-Mart concluded. It was really cool and I felt like I had conquered an army or something, and I didn’t even do much! It was a very uplifting experience.
The other thing, after my shift was up, I was cruising around the Wal-Mart parking lot, went down one of the rows and suddenly I see two Wal-Mart 10’s! Wal-Mart 10’s are like real world 4’s, but you take what you can get, it’s like the same effect prison has on men where anything decent starts to look pretty fine after a couple months. So these 10’s were hanging out in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and one flashed me! Wow I thought, I could even tell she even probably bathed recently and in fact wore a bra as they weren’t down past her belly button! I guess that’s just one of those perks I get for being Wal-Mart Greeter!