NASHVILLE- Luke Bryan has been suspended indefinitely for his most recent violation and bastardization of country music, the Country Music Association announced Tuesday. In a released statement, the CMA said Bryan’s recent involvement with his latest release of “That’s My Kind of Night” violated numerous country music standards and is offensive to all five senses of the human body.
“We have determined that Mr. Bryan’s song, which will not be referred to by name because it’s such a blasphemous title, will result in a lengthy suspension from country music,” said president of the CMA Steele Guhtar. “Initially we had planned the punishment of a couple months away from country music so that Luke Bryan could think about his actions, but after reflecting upon his penchant for singing through his nose, along with the fact that he had the audacity to rhyme catfish dinner with winner-winner, and not to mention the obnoxious, arrogant nature in which he thinks he’s sex on a stick to womenfolk everywhere, we have decided to move the suspension to an indefinite time period. We have also restricted his access to any and all tight-fitting Wranglers.”
Bryan’s single, “That’s My Kind of Night” had been quite controversial in Nashville as of late, as numerous country music purists, as well as anyone with overall good taste, felt that the title was either a horrible country song, or a quite horrible hip hop song. “Neither side wants to claim this crap,” said general music lover, Heidi Pitts. “This sure isn’t the country I grew up listening to, and I don’t think R.Kelly is going to be too happy about this nasally little white boy thinking it’s a good idea to delve into hip-hop. And he’s not even the first, I’m not even sure what Jason Aldean is doing anymore either, he’s thinking he’s a rapper. The only reason I’m giving him a free pass is because he rapped about Sir Joe Diffie.”
“It’s a really dark time right now in country music,” chimed in Jerry Reed. “You got all this pop crap all-over the radio. I want to know when it all changed. If this song here was a horse, they’d put it down. Now that’s song material, but can I have my country music back? I’m sorry Ms. Swift, and Ms. Underwood, and Mr. Bryan and everyone else trying to sound like Jimmy Buffett, please go form your own crap music genre, and leave the real country behind to those that can handle it. You want a real example of what new country should sound like? You play that Redneck Crazy. THAT is a country song.”
After Guhtar released the CMA’s statement, several women were seen protesting outside the Nashville CMA offices. Lena Parham, president of the “I’m Married to a good man but I’m openly literally and figuratively online throwing my panties at this other man because I’m delusional in my thinking that a man wearing way too tight jeans which causes him to sing in a high-pitch nasal voice is the sexiest thing alive and I don’t care if my real-life husband is ok with this or not but if my husband even said he thought Miranda Lambert was mildly cute I’d go psycho and cut his nuts off” protest group was visibly upset at the announcement, stating “This is an outrage! All Luke does is go out there every night and give it his all shaking it for us, and now he writes a fun song we can all dance to and they’re going to suspend him!!! This is ridiculous! None of us will wear panties until Luke is reinstated!”
Luke Bryan could not be reached for a statement as he was too despondent after losing his Wranglers.
Bryan will not be paid during the suspension and he will not be allowed to perform or have any songs of his played on the radio. President Steele Guhtar will determine the ultimate length of Bryan’s suspension after he can no longer stand the sight of all the large, pantyless married women in his CMA parking lot.