SUFFOLK- Wilma Franklin is known around the Suffolk BB&T office as a fun loving person, who always gets into every holiday. “She wears Christmas sweaters all December, she’s a leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, and every Halloween, you can count on her to dress up as Raggedy Ann,” said Branch Manager David Thomas. “She’s a great employee, so you can imagine my concern when I opened the box of Conversation Hearts she gave me for Valentine’s Day.”
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The box in question contained the standard chalky, mildly sugary candy known as conversation hearts. However, instead of the usual ‘Be Mine’ and ‘Too Sweet’ inscriptions you’d typically expect, lewd messages were found in their place. “When I took out the first piece and it said, ‘Hold me’” said David, “I thought, ok, that’s a little unusual. Then I took out a second that said ‘Lick me.’ I thought, haha, misprint, damn Asians can’t spell; but when I pulled the third out that said ‘Go Balls Deep’, I knew something must be up.” |
Secretary, Linda Grey, also received a similar box. “I’ve always thought Wilma was a nice person, but frankly, we’ve all wondered about her orientation over the years. When I pulled out ‘Sit on my Face,’ I knew for sure she was a lesbian, then I took another from the box that said ‘Strap it On.’ Now I’m more confused.”
In all, 25 employees or more received the lewd boxes of conversation hearts. With such a large number affected, David Thomas was forced to issue a statement: “At this time, Wilma has been given sensitivity and sexual harassment training to help her become a better employee. Let’s all come together for Wilma, and help her in her struggle with the sex addict residing inside of her.”
However, on Tuesday, Brach’s, the maker of the conversation hearts in question, issued a formal apology to all of those affected. “We at Brach’s take our customers and our quality control very seriously. We have learned that a shipment of conversation hearts intended for Spencer’s Gifts, which are of the naughty variety, was instead sent to a Rite-Aid in Suffolk by mistake. We apologize for any harm it may have caused. To everyone affected, we would like to send you a complimentary bag of smarties. Thank you.”
Upon hearing of the mistake, David Thomas rescinded Wilma’s sensitivity training, and exonerated her of the mishap. “There’s no way she could have known. Hell, we kinda needed a little fun around here, to be honest.”
Wilma, relieved to be cleared, noted, “This was clearly not my fault. Except for David, those were for definitely for him, I’m trying to move up dammit. I hand-picked that box of his.”
“See me in my office, Wilma” said David.