LASKER, N.C.—Harking back to the days of yesteryear, Southampton Academy white quarterback William Barnes connected with white wide receiver Mick Noles on 7- and 25-yard passes to help the Raiders with a 30-18 Colonial Carolina Conference win on Friday night. The win was highlighted throughout with blasts from the past with runs from white running backs, interceptions by white defensive backs in front of a racially non-diversed crowd. “We’ve been playing this style since 1930. Its how my Granddaddy Forrest did it, my Daddy Forrest Jr did it, and its how I do it” Coach Forrest Jones, III told reporters after the game.
The victory over Northeast Academy in Lasker, N.C., makes the Raiders 3-1 on the season in the Make Believe World Standings.
“If I had a game ball to give away, I would’ve given it to TJ Taylor,” said SA Coach Forrest Johnson, III. “He had a great defensive game and rushed 12 times for 52 yards.” Which translates to 1 carry in mop up time for -3 yards, and great defensive game, translating into ‘he got in on a gang tackle on special teams in real world football.’
Northeast opened scoring on a 1-yard run by Bo Jangle in the second quarter. It took much longer than it would have in real life, as white kids spastically fell around the goal line until the ball rested in Jangle’s hands unexpectedly as he tripped over his fullbacks feet on the exchange.
Barnes followed with the 7-yard pass to Noles; Tonee Turner ran in for the conversion, giving the Raiders an 8-6 lead. With a name like Tonee, the defense was at a disadvantage, as the name clearly shaves a half second off of his time.
Northeast’s Ryan Warren scored on a 3-yard running, giving the team a 12-8 halftime lead. It made his father in the stands swell with pride, as he scored from the wishbone, which is how he used to score, you know, back when teams actually ran that shit, and some racist coach thought it looked cool.
Barnes connected with Noles for their second touchdown in the third quarter. The ball was immaculately thrown, but Noles bobbled it several times, though the sluggish defense couldn’t get close enough to him to make a play as he slowly corralled it. Taylor ran the ball in for the 2-point conversion, putting the Raiders ahead 16-12.
Taylor then scored on a 9-yard run and Turner picked up the 2-point conversion. Turner scored the next touchdown on a 3-yard run; the conversion failed.
Adam Crouch scored the final touchdown for Northeast on a 38-yard carry, which took 15 seconds as he went unmolested into the end zone.
SA rushed 47 times for 257 yards, compared to Northeast, who carried the ball 37 times for 177. With the real world translation calculations, SA rushed 47 times for 23 yards with 17 fumbles and NE carried the ball 37 times for 12 yards and 8 fumbles.