FRANKLIN- One of Trooper Stanley Johnson’s favorite childhood memories was going to the Franklin Golden Corral every Friday night and enjoying all the delicious buffet had to offer.
The aroma of steak in the air, the sizzle of the grill, and the hum of the ice cream machine made for some of the happiest times of his young life. As fate would have it however, that tradition was ended abruptly one night in 1994, after some of Franklin’s finest violated multiple “health-code” violations on the buffet bar. The end result caused the restaurant to close permanently, after patrons didn’t trust the ranch dressing any more. The building would remain, eventually becoming the Chinese restaurant that takes debit cards. But to many locals, it was like losing a close relative.
“I’d look forward to it all week,” said Johnson. “We’d load up in the Astro van, and I’d pile my plate sky high with chicken, snaps, mac n’ cheese, you name it. And of course what meal would be complete without the self-serve ice cream? It’s been nearly two decades since some asshat felt the need to dishonor the badge and add his own secret sauces to the buffet line. It was a pivotal moment for me that made me want to get into law enforcement, to stop those who give cops a bad name, and prevent anyone else from the horror that is someone getting their salad tossed, over the tossed salad.”
Trooper Johnson often found his daily routines taking him past the old Golden Corral, leaving him that helpless longing for the all-you-can-eat buffet. This longing would continue until one day, over his police car radio he heard the poetry from the angels:
Girl don’t you worry none, your ship just came in, So go on an’ tell your mama, tell all your friends That your new favorite color is John Deere Green. Hop in this truck, a.k.a. Time Machine. Nineteen-ninety-four, Joe Diffie comin’ out the radio I’m just a country boy with a farmer’s tan So Help Me Girl, I’ll be your Pick-Up Man. How ’bout A Night to Remember and a fifth of Goose Bout to bust out my Honky-Tonk Attitude A little feel-good you ain’t never felt before, I’m talkin’ nineteen-ninety-four…“Hearing that was a revelation,” said Johnson. “It was definitely an A-ha! moment. I heard Jason Aldean had been working on this time portal to 1994 from classified information, I just didn’t know he’d perfected it, so I quickly contacted Trooper Moe Parr and we got Aldean on the horn immediately for the low down.”
Once they learned time travel to 1994 was possible, Johnson and Parr quickly sprang into action. Aldean instructed that they had to find a jacked-up truck from the ‘80s, complete with loud pipes, super swamper mud tires and Dale Earnhardt’s #3 across the back glass. Johnson quickly found one in Auto Trader that was owned by a man in Gates County. Then they had to ride down Armory Drive in the newly christened honky-tonk time machine, and wait for Aldean’s “1994” to come on the radio. When the song hit the end of the chorus, Johnson and Parr had to fist-pump and shout “Joe-Joe-Joe-Joe Diffie!” three times into the rearview mirror to be transported back to 1994.
Upon doing this, a thinner, hit-spinning, Joe Diffie appeared in the seat between the two Troopers, and he was sporting the most glorious mullet with a heavenly shine. Surprisingly the cars on the road around them didn’t change, as even in 1994 people were still driving around in old, decrepit shit boxes. Even the people still looked the same, as everywhere they looked it was beautiful mullet after beautiful mullet, and mom jeans abound. Diffie, upon seeing the town’s water tower, demanded to be dropped off near it, so that he may commit a little artistic vandalism for his trouble. Johnson relented, agreeing that seeing a big green penis-shaped heart on the water tower would be a nice touch. After dropping Diffie off, a sight for sore eyes approached him in the right lane. Like a beacon from God himself, the Golden Corral sign was lit up, and the parking lot was teeming with cars!
Trooper Johnson, ever prudent, had brought a $20 bill from 1994 with him. He promptly went to fill up the gas-guzzling chick-magnet, and still had $12 left over. With a few hours before they were set to thwart the attack on his beloved Buffet bar, the Troopers decided it was best to plan on a full stomach. They entered the Golden Corral, plunked down $6 dollars each, and were given plates and yet-to-be-banned Sundrop. “You have no idea how enjoyable that was,” said Parr, “It was like being a kid again. I had to get two bowls of ice cream.” “And we used all the fudge and damn sure emptied the sprinkles,” added Johnson.
The Troopers returned to the truck to plan out a strategy, and with gas being dirt cheap, they just let the engine run so they could sit and enjoy the air condition. Entering into a food coma, the duo quickly fell asleep, humming to themselves, “prop me up beside the jukebox if I die… Lord, I wanna go to heaven, but I don’t wanna go tonight….” “We must have been out for a few hours,” said Johnson. “When we woke up, the Corral was closed, there was a cop car out front, and what appeared to be employees’ cars left in the lot. We had to act quickly or it was going to be too late again.”
Johnson crept up to the fogged window and peered in, and saw a local cop, enjoying a cigarette in the non-smoking section. “I immediately thought I was too late,” said Johnson, “I mean the guy is smoking, what’s done is done, I’d failed. I was about to turn away dejected, wondering, what does Joe Diffie think right now? Then my fortunes changed.”
Trooper Parr turned Johnson’s attention to a waitress appearing from the kitchen. Johnson could hardly believe his eyes. “She was toting an 8 oz steak,” continued Johnson, “in a dress that I was certain, she hadn’t worn in quite awhile. There was a difference in her laughter, there was a softness in her eye, and on the air there was a hunger, even a boy could recognize.” Johnson quickly focused his attention to the buffet bar. For the moment, it looked unmolested, and he realized they could still save the Golden Corral, but he had to act fast.
As soon as the Troopers were about to put an end to the madness, the local officer’s radio went off. “…(static)… Officer Billy Bob, we have a report of an unidentified white male, (…static…) about 5’10”, 180 pounds, strong blond mullet, seen climbing down the Franklin water tower after drawing what appears to be a green phallus (….static…) and the words ‘Billy Bob Loves Charlene.’ Officers please be on the look out…(static)…”
The waitress snapped her head around quickly, now sneering at the officer, yelling “Oh hell naw! Who the hell is Charlene?? That tramp that works at the Waffle House at 3AM? You little piece of shit, get the hell out of here, I mean it, now get!” as she swatted him upside the head repeatedly with her hand towel.
The stunned officer was speechless, and suddenly realized that he had taken off his service belt in anticipation, which now was appearing to be a huge mistake as the waitress was now holding his service weapon. He bolted for the door, flinging it open, when all of a sudden he was felled by Trooper Johnson’s clotheslining arm of steel.
“I won’t repeat what I told him,” said Johnson. “That’s between him and me, but let’s just say little 14-year-old me will be getting to go to Golden Corral this Friday night, and every Friday night from here on.” At that moment, Johnson’s svelte waistline suddenly gained 4 inches from the extra 16 years of Golden Corral he’d now ingested.
With Golden Corral saved, Joe Diffie seemingly appeared out of nowhere, splattered in green paint. He glanced at the now pudgier Johnson and remarked, “Cause and effect, chain of events… all of the chaos makes perfect sense.”
Johnson shot back, “If you weren’t Joe M—– F—— Diffie, hadn’t just saved Golden Corral, and weren’t my way to get back to the present, I’d punch you right now. Parr asked, “So, how do we get back anyway?”
“It’s pretty simple, you just have to do the Diffie,” said Diffie, “but I won’t be making this trip with you. This is my time, why would I leave it?”
After giving Joe many thanks, Stanley and Moe got down and Diffied right there in that Golden Corral parking lot. “It was a feel good I ain’t never felt before,” said Parr. “I just wish we hadn’t held hands and closed our eyes the whole time;” Johnson added. “Would have saved us a lot of embarrassment. Turns out you only had to do it for 3 seconds to snap back to the present, but Diffie is kind of an ass now and didn’t explain. Will the real Joe Diffie please stand up? I dunno, I guess he thought it would be funny for us to be standing in the present day Golden Corral parking lot for 57 seconds doing the Diffie. There were all sorts of people laughing by the time we stopped. Dick.”
Upon returning to the present, Johnson and Parr learned that their efforts had led to a thriving local Golden Corral, and if you can believe it, even more of a local obesity problem. They learned that the newly installed Chocolate Wonderfall, or 8th wonder of the world, which didn’t exist in 1994, caused an obese man to drown in 2010. From the suddenly updated Foulwater News website archive, Johnson read that Reginald Beetchtyts was unable to get enough chocolate on his fried chicken, and opted instead to insert the chicken in his mouth, while he held his mouth open underneath the chocolate fountain. The constant flow eventually proved too much for the man, and he eventually succumbed to asphyxiation by, medically speaking, “chickety chocca tha chocolate chicken.” Family members reported at the time that it’s what he would have wanted. “We feel somewhat responsible for this man’s death,” said Johnson, “but there will always be sacrifices made whenever it’s something worth fighting for.”
After saving the Golden Corral from the scandalous Humpday Massacre, Stanley and his family were able to continue the Friday night tradition, savoring that Good Brown Gravy. He noted that the time travel was definitely worth it. “I believe everything happens for a reason. One day your world changes you, so you vow to protect it so that it may never happen again. Then one day you change the world, with the help of a mulleted music man. But if you guys could keep your genitals out of my buffet, it’d be much appreciated.”
For those looking to find a New Way to Light Up an Old Flame, Johnson will be instructing a special summer course at PDCCC entitled Do Da Diffie 101. Slots are limited.