| Obituaries |
Kim Kardashian’s Booty
HOLLYWOOD—Kim Kardashian’s Booty, of undeserved fame, passed away May 10, 2013, succumbing to pregnancy, future motherhood, and gravity. Kim’s posterior was born February 15, 2003 to freak genetics, in which it was fond of botox injections, Charmin 3-Ply, and was roundly enjoyed by many hip-hop enthusiasts and athletes. As an entity that defied reason and existed on the perpetuation by someone “important” that “that booty is right, yo”, Kim’s boo-tay managed to ride a wave of undue popularity for years, to the consternation of many with brain cells.
Kim’s rear end was preceded in death by: her terrible reality show, a failed sham of a marriage, and any shred of actual perceived talent.
Kim’s Heiney is survived by: her awaiting pair of Mom jeans, Hanes comfort fit underwear, and will soon be joined in the afterlife by her dual airbags, which are the next closest of kin most likely to succumb to the same afflictions.
An internet funeral will be held at 11 a.m., on Friday, May 17, 2013, at www.kimkaysbootay.com where people can pay their respects, share their favorite photos of Kim’s turd cutter, and start the healing process by anointing a new reigning queen with the title of “Dat Ass”. In lieu of flowers, Kim asks that you donate to your favorite plastic surgeon in her ass’s name.
Yaksummore Mayoral Campaign
FRANKLIN – Gump Yaksummore’s Mayoral Bid, 2, was called home to the big ballot box in the sky on the evening of May 1, 2012, losing the good fight against sane constituents.
Yaksummore’s bid was born in Franklin’s Ward 3, with visions ahead of its time, including solar panels to the sky, Paul D. Camp’s galactic superiority, Winn-Dixie Land of Lights, casinos, 9/11 conspiracies, booming tourism, and golden holograms. The Campaign was an active resident of Franklin, tracking down several local business owners and accusing them of collusion. In its free time, the Campaign enjoyed misspelling words on promotional signs.
Left to cherish its memory are The Jivewater News, who is taking the loss the hardest, being forced to carry on and fill the void of having to find something else to write about, 334 confused souls who also saw greatness in the Campaign’s vision, and the other 24 voters who meant to vote for someone else, but inadvertently pressed the wrong button.
Campaign’s legacy will live on in all the PDCCC solar energy student hopefuls who had just applied to be in the first class next fall, only to find out Tuesday there would be no such class. Their burning desire will lead them to McDonald’s for the time being, looking for a suitable PDCCC replacement.
A collection will be taken from local mayoral opponents’ supporters to pay for funeral services. A memorial service will be held on Google Hangout, sponsored by the Johnson campaign, with several guest speakers, including Hologram Tupac, Jim Johnson – CEO of Virginia is For Lovers Tourism, and Texas Instruments Solar Energy Expert, T.I. Eightythree.
Hunting Season
THE WOODS— Hunting Season of Virginia departed this life on Saturday January 7, 2012.
It was preceded in death by countless Deer, taken by bow, spear, shotgun, and vehicle; and by a 2003 Honda Civic, which never stood a chance on that backcountry road at that time of night. A creation of the Virginia Assembly, it provided organization in the population control of a nuisance species to crops, as well as giving creation to other game hunting seasons.
Hunting Season also resulted in 24 divorces in the past year, with several wives being fed up with their husbands disappearing for days on end in the pursuit of the ever elusive trophy buck.
Hunting Season enjoyed cool Autumn mornings interrupted by shotgun fire, countless dogs running wild over the countryside, big trucks with mud splattered fenders, and tall tales of past year’s “successes.”
Left behind to mourn Season’s passing, are Buck Wild, Red Ryder, Mr. Remington, Sir Winchester, Carr Heart, Jim Beam, Gore Tex, Red Man, Fishing, Golf, as well as countless others.
Funeral services were held Wednesday, January 11, at 1 p.m. in the Wal-Mart Parking Lot. Interment will follow at the Bronco Rod and Gun Club. In lieu of flowers, please fire 3 shotgun rounds to the sky.