FRANKLIN—What started out as a harmless, typical, drab Thursday night Franklin City Council meeting proved to be anything but, as Gump Yaksummore demonstrated that anytime he opens his mouth, he truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
Barreling through mind-numbing topic after topic, citizens thought it was going to be another tame night. However, they couldn’t have been more wrong as Franklin City Councilman Gump Yaksummore spoke out passionately against what he perceived as Mayor What’s-Her-Name blocking his attempts to move forward with his Winn-Dixie Casino building plans.
Yaksummore sat comfortably on his inflatable ring cushion in his councilman seat for most of the meeting, but after having to hear people piss and moan for two hours about paying light bills that were sky high, he strode down from his seat as councilman and spoke as a private citizen.
“It is a sad state of our local government when an officially elected idiot as myself is forced to babble during citizens’ time, to talk in circles about concerns and confuse the shit out of the public with comments regarding city-related non-business,” he said.
As the crowd snickered, Mayor What’s-Her-Name looked at Gump as if to say “Are you f—ing for real right now jackass??”, and quickly rebutted, “No, it is a sad state of our local government when an elected official is someone of your caliber. You need remedial help, which cannot be found here.”
An unfazed Yaksummore continued, “As many of you may have seen recently in The Jivewater News, we have an opportunity to do something great in this little sleepy town. I’m sure by this point in time, my solar-powered casino and gentleman’s club is well documented. I’m not here tonight to shed more wonderful ideas into that. I’m here to inform you of the conduct unbecoming of a councilman by my colleague, Mayor What’s-Her-Name. For the umpteenth time, my request to have the Winn-Dixie building rezoned to allow for gambling and loose titties, has been declined. I’m starting to think some of the people here don’t think too much of my plans and are plotting against me, blocking the rezoning. I never had proof, before now. What I’m about to tell you, will blow the lid off this m—– f—–. This highly esteemed Mayor of ours has been blocking my rezoning requests, so that she may push through her own agenda, and have the Winn-Dixie building converted into a Prison/Elementary School! Unbelievable! We cannot stand for this!”
“I’ve had just about enough of your mouth, Yaksummore!” shouted the Mayor. “You’re up here gallivanting around with your crazy ideas and hologram doppelgangers while the rest of us are doing real work. You think this is a damn game? You’re damn right I blocked your stupid requests. You want to gamble? Go buy a lotto ticket and hold up the line for twenty minutes for actual working people. You want to see some boobs in your face? Go to Wal-Mart like everyone else! I don’t have time to hold your hand. The budget cuts have us working at a bare minimum, and your little Texas Instruments mini-Vegas idea will have us being underwater even more. I’m a realist. We’ve got more and more kids going to Juvie everyday. The only thing that’s been proven to work to prevent kids from going to jail, is to place them in jail preemptively. They’ll still get their necessary classwork and lessons, along with the rigid structure only and 8×8 cell can provide. Teachers can actually teach again, and not have to worry about behavior problems. Kids aren’t out on the street corner at all hours of the night dealing drugs. I’m really not seeing a downside.”
Yaksummore, still not done, then referred to an article previously entered in The Jivewater News, stating Yaksummore had frequently been a customer of Franklin’s very own #1 prostitute, Fancy. “The paper, in its continued attempts to assassinate my character, has twisted my comments to serve its own purposes.” (Editor’s Note: That accusation is indeed completely true.) “Fancy was just a family friend. To think they’d put those words in my mouth!” Yaksummore said. He then made allegations that citizens were being solicited by the Franklin Police and the Commonwealth’s Attorney to provide assistance in “gaining incriminating information” against him with regards to Fancy. “This is clearly something dreamed up to besmirch my character.”
“Oh please, everyone in this town knew what you were doing with that girl, it’s no secret,” said the Mayor. “We just let it slide because we knew the only chance you had was to pay for it, and it’s us that would suffer if you didn’t. Can you imagine how much crazier you would be if you were walking around with a loaded gun in your pants? That girl deserves the key to the city for her service, God bless her.”
The crowd roared with laughter.
Yaksummore, again still not done, brought up an allegation about the mayor’s husband threatening bodily harm and a promise to “whoop” his “old, deranged ass.” “You block my zone requests, and threaten me with your bodyguard husband, how am I supposed to feel about that?” asked Yaksummore.
“Unless you have documentation, and you would have to take that to the courts, this is not the arena for your circus. Perhaps we can meet outside later, otherwise I’ll see you on Judge Judy,” Mayor What’s-Her-Name said. “But here, citizen rules will be adhered to,” and called for Yaksummore to be escorted out by law enforcement. When Trooper Stanley Johnson came forward, belly still full from the Golden Corral buffet, the mayor asked Yaksummore if he wanted to stay to return to his seat as a councilman.
Yaksummore, yet again still not done, stated, “I’m alerting this council with my right of free speech.”
“I got your free damn speech,” the Mayor muttered.
When the Mayor asked Yaksummore to follow the rules of order, he again alleged she was not allowing him the right of free speech. “Look Gump,” she fired back, “you can have your seat and act in your capacity as council, but anything about any of your personal issues, not limited to but including: casino obsession, your love for prostitutes, fear of getting your ass beat, your oppressed disdain for yard decorations, or your hemorrhoids, will not be discussed here.”
Yaksummore finally returned to his seat like a scolded puppy, but in a demonstration of defiance, left his hologram likeness at the podium.
A few minutes later, his cell phone went off with ringtone blaring, “Here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down, dunndunndudunnnh,” and had to leave the meeting.
Everyone in the room then rolled their eyes, sighed in relief, and joyously began doing the Hokey-Pokey. (If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!)