NEWSOMS—Brave residents from Newsoms, Windsor, Franklin and as far away as Como, N.C. came out to Main Street, Newsoms for what they thought would be a good time in the 9th Annual Fourth of July Parade.
Preliminary events included softball, a hot dog, sweet corn, and watermelon eating contest, where the winner, Tammy Dawkins downed 3 full-sized watermelons. It caused quite a stir among several children, after it was reported she had eaten several seeds, causing one little girl to cry out, “She’s gonna have watermelons growing in her belly now, and she’s already bigger than Grimace at the McDonald’s!”
Others enjoyed the sights, “I come down every year to see the women,” Jasper Hitchens of Franklin said. “I just enjoy the hell out of it. It’s a higher caliber than you’ll see at the Wal-Mart, and these Mamas ain’t shy either! Oh, I think I see one now, I’ll catch ya later!”
“It was supposed to be just hometown America — good family fun, none of that other stuff this town is known for,” said Jethrine Hamilton of Franklin. “It’s a damn shame they had to go and ruin it, people need to step back and think about taking back their town.”
The day’s devastation lay at the feet of the town’s parade, which went up Main Street, turned on 671, turned down past Drake’s Shopping Mart to make a complete lap of the town and then was to come back for a second round. This seemed innocent enough, with Newsoms’ small size making it difficult to field a full parade as is, however this lapping of the town aspect qualified it technically as a street race.
Things appeared to be going smoothly, as the fire engines, Ford F-150s towing lawn mower trailers full of youngins with their faces painted, John Deere tractors, scantily clad women wearing Uncle Sam outfits, several Newsomians celebrating their second amendment right by firing shotgun blasts into the air, and definitely not any hint of marijuana smoke in the air, all made for a fine parade. However, as the lead car in the pageant, a 1996 Camaro convertible toting the Parade Queen, Little Miss Newsoms in the back, went to begin its second lap, Johnny Law, Jr., sprang into action.
Law, Jr., who had been sitting idly across the road in his newly stickered 2006 Dodge Charger, complete with the peeled up letter residue of Brunswick County still visible in the paint job, had had his hand twitchingly wanting to trigger the sirens for the duration of the parade, looking for anything that would be in violation. “It’s my job to protect this town,” said Law, Jr., “and it’s a thankless job. I should be getting a parade myself after serving this town proudly today.”
“Once that Camaro roared down here a second time, all heck broke loose,” said parade enthusiast, Walter Hagans. “That cop threw on the sirens, got on the loud phone, and pulled over the entire parade. It was chaos. Folks didn’t know which way to pull over, who was getting pulled over, nothing. He cited everyone for street racing, endangering pedestrians, he even cited the Parade Queen for not wearing a seatbelt! They were going 3 miles an hour! I reckon he was out here ‘til dark writing tickets,” Hagans said, shaking his head.
Newsoms mayor, Jumbo P. Nutt, issued a statement standing behind Law, Jr., and his police work.
“Say what you will, but I saw about as much passing in the parade as I saw in the Nascar race Saturday night, so I can see that side of it, it did kinda look like a recent Nascar race,” said parade watcher James Harold. “And I’ll tell you another thing, I’m so tired of that damn Jimmie Johnson I don’t know what to do. I know he’s cheating, has to be, and he sure as hell isn’t sharing information, or Junior would be running better. Can’t Junior win one race, dammit? And if I hear one more talking head mention Johnson in the same sentence as Earnhardt, Sr., I’m gonna drive to the track myself and beat the shit out of them.”
Harold then proceeded to kick his chair and utter more obscenities to himself, but was suddenly calmed when his wife, like a mother putting a pacifier in a crying baby’s mouth, quickly cracked open a cold Natty Ice she’d bought from Drake’s only minutes before and handed it to him. “Any good woman worth her salt, knows her man, this was premeditated, y’all women need to listen to your husbands more,” said Mrs. Harold.
Layla Tyron, a parade participant, immediately called the Newsoms mayor demanding things be set right, “So I call Mayor Nutt. I’m hoping, as an elected official, he will be more citizen friendly. I can tell right away he is not, as he starts asking me, did I or did I not start Lap 2 of the Newsoms Parade 500, because I’m showing you were running 12th after lap one? I politely tell him to stop and I say, “Is Newsoms like Nazi Germany now and I’m required to obey all rules of the road?” His answer was “Yes ma’am, and if you don’t comply you’ll find out.” I couldn’t believe what I just heard so I asked him again to make sure he understood every word. And again, he said, “Yes ma’am, and if you don’t like it I suggest you find another parade to participate in.” He then hung up on me.”
The Parade Pullover Massacre shattered Trooper Johnson’s recent pullover Virginia state record of 5 cars at once, with a staggering 27 cars, tractors, trucks and one lawnmower. Yes, one lawnmower! Earl Thomas, who was just minding his own business, cutting his grass during the parade along Main Street, was seen as part of the parade as his tire touched the sidewalk a couple times. He’s currently being held in the Newsoms regional jail. In all, 27 citations of street racing, 32 citations of endangering pedestrians, 14 seatbelt citations, 5 DUIs were issued. One elderly woman’s Hoverround was also confiscated. All cited are due in court, August 13th.
When asked about his record being broken, Johnson was dismissive, “It’s never been about the records, you all know who’s the real cop here, I don’t have to tell you. What’s more impressive, pulling over 5 guys going 80mph on 58 or pulling over 27 slow moving vehicles in a parade? Thought so.”
“I’ve got to hand it to Newsoms,” said Franklin resident, Mark Wells, “for such a small town, they sure do stay in the headlines.”