SUFFOLK- Chickfila CEO, Dan Cathy, is doubling down on his anti-gay stance, and intends to only use heterosexual chickens in his restaurants.
“Over the past few weeks, we have witnessed an outpouring of support of our anti-gay marriage stance,” said Cathy. “Today we solidify that commitment by ensuring you that every Chickfila sandwich contains only the straightest chickens. When you bite into our sandwich, you’ll taste that heterosexual juiciness in every bite, just as the Good Lord intended.”
| Cathy also outlined the stringent process that the company will use to ensure that all Chickfila Hetero-Certified™ chickens being used aren’t just closeted gay chickens. “We have placed trained Gay-Chicken inspectors in all of our chicken facilities. They will keep a watchful eye while running gaydar over all chicken activities,” said Cathy. “If a chicken is seen engaging in any form of homosexual act, they will be pulled from the facility immediately, and sold to McDonald’s. As we all know, McDonald’s sold its soul years ago, and will put anything in their chicken nuggets, including gay chickens.” |  |
One of the Chickfila chicken facilities is located in Suffolk. The facility has hired 5 new employees, all of which bear the newly minted title, Chicken Fornication Expert. Suffolk resident and new Chicken Fornication Expert or CFE for short, Whadea Hennery, was excited about her new job. “I’ve been looking for work for 18 months now, thank the Lord Chickfila has come to my rescue. I’m really excited to come to work for such a morally strong company. Each day, I will be tasked with making sure what goes on in the chicken coop remains good, ole fashioned Rooster-on-Hen action. My first day, I caught two roosters having at each other. I quickly branded them with a G on the forehead for Gay, and shipped them to Mr. Ronald McDonald. There will be no cock fights on my watch!”
The response to the new procedures has had mixed results. Suffolk resident, and Chickfila enthusiast, Lichda Greece, was thrilled with the announcement. “I’m just glad we finally have a place of business that upholds good human and fowl moral values. I intend to eat there every meal from now on. Praise the lord.”
Late Monday night, however, the Suffolk police were called to the Suffolk Chickfila to break up an Anti- Anti-gay demonstration. Trooper Moe Parr was called to the scene and left a statement. “We had some individuals staging a form of protest. They had three roosters, lying in a circle, each beak to hind end performing gay chicken acts. Then after the act was finished, the chickens were then beheaded and according to one of the protestors, cooked to perfection. Since they were trespassing on Chickfila property, we took them into custody and charged them with possession of a Gay Cock. Apparently its still on our book from 1790. Who’d a thought?”
The changes did not bother a few however. Chickfila enthusiast and Gay crusader, T. Hite Heiney, while in line to order three #1’s simply stated, “Straight, Gay, Bicurious, I don’t give care. It’s delicious, you can’t taste homophobia.” Then after chomping into the first bite, Heiney muttered, with a mouth still full of sandwich, “G—D— what a good sandwich!”
Chickfila still plans to remain closed on Sunday, forcing us all to McDonalds. We hate McDonald’s.