FRANKLIN- Leigh Z. Person had spent many a Labor Day by the community pool, feasting on Government provided Hot Dogs and baked beans, but she’d always been bothered by not having a special day set aside for people like herself. On Tuesday, September 4th, Person will have her dreams come true as Franklin honors those who don’t work.
| “I’m just thrilled to death,” said Person. “Our very own holiday to call our own. No more piggybacking on other people’s holidays, we’re somebody now! Move over Jesus, fallen soldiers, flags, Mother Earth, old white dead presidents, and Martin Luther King, Jr. There’s a new holiday in town!” Laborless Day was instituted as a local holiday back in April, after Person, in a brief moment of personal exertion, set out to accomplish her most ambitious goal in her life, which ironically was to have a lazy day off in her honor. Person managed to gain the required 500 signatures to petition the City Council for the holiday, and made her request at the April town meeting. Her proposal was derided by Councilman Carmon Sents as being, “the most bullshit thing I’ve ever heard. Next thing you’ll know the Jews will want the whole month of December off, but will still expect to get paid for the full month!” |
Leigh Z. Person |
After a quick whisper to Sents by councilwoman Delilah Thomas, Sense quickly changed his tune stating, “Wait, a four day weekend? Why didn’t you say that in the first place? And my wife works at Wal-Mart, so she’ll have to work anyway. I could free-ball in my house for two straight days without her nagging me about my balls touching the sofa! F— yeah! Laborless Day for everyone!”
The councilman’s declaration made for a rousing round of applause among the countless overweight laborless. The laborless then proceeded to celebrate by shuffling out of the town hall as if they had nowhere to be, walking terribly slow, dragging their feet, and positioned just right in the center of the hallways to impede traffic to both the left and right of them. “It’s as if they were savant geniuses who could readily identify the amount of space that an average person with shit to do would need to pass, and then filled an inch or two of that space,” said Town meeting attendee John Q. Citizen.
Franklin residents had a mixed response to the new holiday. One resident who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, “A holiday for the laborless? Hell I thought that was an everyday holiday. Next thing you know they’ll start giving out prizes for above average bowel movements.” There were also positive viewpoints, however, with local worker, Laheim Muhammed being outspoken, “Hell, I don’t care, I convinced my office that I was half Muslim and half jewish so I could get my Ramadan and my dreidle-dreidle on, just so I could get 35 days off a year. What’s one more?”
The holiday is also expected to generate local sales, with Belk having a Laborless Day sale at its Franklin branch. “We’ve got all kinds of underwearlike outerwear on hand that’s gonna be up to 70% off. So get your U.S. Treasury check cashed an come on down to the great low prices of Belk,” said Branch manager, Shirley Leggett.
City organizers have planned a Laborless Day parade for the downtown district. Schewel’s has agreed to have a La-Z-Boy float, and Uncle Sam has been signed on to be the guest of honor and will throw out EBT cards to the masses. “We want everyone to have a good time,” said Mayor Franklin, “so please, don’t worry about dressing up all fancy like you’re heading out to Wal-Mart. Please just come as you are, nipple slips and all.”
The Laborless Day Parade starts at 4:30 PM, otherwise known as the ass-crack of dawn for the Laborless, so be sure to get a good morning’s rest to be able to make it on time.