FRANKLIN – Franklin City Public Schools’ school board members found themselves in an unprecedented predicament Monday when the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) issued what some are calling the most unreasonable request in local governance history: a demand to list five things they had accomplished in the previous week.
Board Chair Mr. Gerald Bolt, who is known for his meticulous ability to dodge direct questions, was the first to respond. “Five things? From last week? That seems excessive,” Bolt muttered while flipping through an empty notepad. “Can I count answering emails?”
Other board members fared no better under the pressure. Vice Chair Linda Prescot attempted to recall a resolution she “thought about drafting” but ultimately admitted she never wrote it. Board Member Tim Reilly resorted to listing his lunch choices for the past five days before being told that consuming food did not qualify as governance.
DOGE’s commander in chief, Elon Musk, stood firm. “This is a standard accountability check,” he explained. “If taxpayer dollars are funding your operations, we simply need to know what, if anything, is actually being accomplished.”
As the minutes dragged on, frustration mounted. “I signed something last Wednesday, I’m sure of it,” insisted Board Member Carl Denton, looking around for agreement. “That has to count for at least half a thing.”
Ultimately, the board barely managed to scrape together a collective list of five items, which included approving new cafeteria trays and briefly discussing the importance of better Wi-Fi. DOGE left unimpressed, leaving behind a written recommendation that the board “consider increasing its weekly accomplishments to a more ambitious number, such as six.”
The school board meeting scheduled for tonight is expected to include an agenda item titled “Brainstorming Ways to Seem More Productive.”
This most recent visit from DOGE falls on the heels of the demotion of longtime Franklin High School principal I. B. Competent earlier this month. In response to the removal, students were seen protesting inside the school and many community members have expressed their concerns to the Franklin City Council. The school board has not held a formal meeting since the demotion was announced under cover of darkness. Superintendent Dr. Charlie Canner cancelled the town hall meeting scheduled for last week citing a lack of index cards.