Board of Supervisors Meeting Room – In a stunning move Friday evening, the County Board of Supervisors elected to trade away its School Division Superintendent to Strayer University. In exchange, the Board of Supervisors gained much needed financial flexibility by jettisoning the Superintendent’s contract. In addition to the salary dump, the county received three gently used buses, a month’s supply of Aramark’s square pizza, a janitor named Tron, and 500 refurbished iPads.
“This is a fleecing, and a shrewd move by the Board of Supervisors,” noted Jivewater News analyst Chat GPT. “It’s been well known that the current superintendent is an abject failure, and the fact that anyone would take her off their hands is incredible. And that must be a true statement as it didn’t violate any of my programming or constitute an inappropriate request.”
The Board of Supervisors were pleased with the outcome overall. “We had to be aggressive,” said Board of Supervisors Andy Bilker. “On the one hand, we have real budget shortfalls, and on the other we have a tone-deaf “leader” who felt entitled to a $40,000 raise on her already outrageous salary. We’re pretty excited about the buses and Tron, and we wish the Superintendent well as she grifts her way through Strayer.”
The Supervisor, arriving from what we can only describe as what must be the most grateful school system ever, was set to earn nearly $200,000 this coming year, with incentives to crush morale, possibly pushing it into the $250,000 range. The Jivewater News reached out to the Superintendent for comment, but no one could give us her whereabouts or has seen her in months. All leads of, “She’s probably at an event to get her face and name in the paper” didn’t lead to results.
Tron worked in the Surry School System through 2021 before working for Strayer when Covid hit. Tron only used three sick days in over a five-year period, and his sawdust on vomit technique is expected to play well on this school level.
“I’m just happy to be where I’m wanted,” said Tron. “Truth is, my old lady been givin’ me fits lately, all up in my shit, so I could use a little change.”
Two 2019 Blue Bird 36 person capacity buses with approximately 57,000 miles were delivered on Friday evening, with a third bus to be named later.
“We don’t have enough bus drivers at the moment,” said Bilker, “so Strayer is being kind enough to house it for us in the interim.”
The 500 iPads are set to be handed out to the students on Monday to replace the ones they broke earlier in the week.
Some in the community were pleased with the newly found fiscal responsibility. “About damn time y’all stopped diggin’ in my pockets,” said concerned citizen Tony Turner. “I must have ‘SUCKER’ tattooed on my ass, ‘cause every time I turn around, y’all done made some new tax to take more of my money. I don’t even know where the hell it goes.”
Historically, the school system is regarded as “not terrible” considering half the county doesn’t have internet access, as it was bolstered by competent staffing and a student body that didn’t spend their middle school years in juvie. However, under the current Superintendent’s watch, the school system has continued to slip into a death spiral spurred by a mass exodus of underappreciated teachers, failing test scores, the scuttling of honors programs, and the inability to hold anyone accountable.
“It’s pretty crazy,” said one teacher who wished to remain anonymous. “We’ve got kids doing Lord knows what in the bathroom, disrespecting anyone and everyone, and eating all the Elmer’s glue without consequence. And I’m in elementary! There’s no support from administration, kids are just sent back to class instead of being suspended so they can keep their numbers for the state funding looking like we don’t have a problem.”
“Oh, that’s nothing,” said another teacher from across the aisle in El Ranchero before she guzzled her giant margarita.
“Oh, I ain’t see you girl! You here drinkin’ too?” said the first teacher.
“If I didn’t have my Friday drinks, I would have had to quit a long time ago,” responded the second teacher. “Thank the Lord, El Ranchero still has reasonable prices, I ain’t making shit on my measly salary.”
“I know that’s right, I came here to have a depressed drink, but with this Superintendent news, I’m about to get lit, girl!” said the first teacher.
“Well, I still ain’t got over this afternoon yet to enjoy it,” said the second teacher. “At the High School today, we had three fights, one because someone didn’t use the correct pronouns, and two others because someone wore the same prom dress as them the other night. No one got suspended of course, there they were 4th block with half their hair pulled out.”
When pressed further on the Board’s intentions post Superintendent, Andy Bilker added, “Based on the last few years, it has become wildly apparent that we simply don’t need one. So, we, uh, fixed the glitch. We talked about it on the committee, and we couldn’t come up with one tangible good thing administration had done for the school system. Instead, we will refer all decisions to Chat GPT, and use the savings to hire nine positions that are much more pressing to our schools’ needs. Needless to say, nearly $200,000 doesn’t buy what it used to, inflation is a bitch.”
When pressed about the future prospects of the county’s school system, Chat GPT was less optimistic. “Unfortunately, much of the damage has been done by this administration, and the one before it. Much of the important staff and people are long gone, those that remain are neglected and defeated. Salary offerings remain uncompetitive with other school systems, and we now are resigned to throwing additional workloads on existing staff for pennies on the dollar. My best guess is that instead of investing in the schools, we’ll be spending the money we should have spent to bolster our prisons in 10 years.”