NEWSOMS – In a move that stunned a local community, the Newsoms Meat Market shuttered its doors effective immediately on Thursday. After years of choice meats for the small town, an ownership change occurred, ushering in a new, controversial business practice of “F— Them Old Customers”. After careless consideration, the new business Newsoms Meat Holdings, LLC opted to close its doors before they ever opened.
“It kinda sucks to be honest,” said Wanda Jenkins. “I’m pretty sure I ate something that wasn’t an actual cow once or twice from some of the supermarket meats, so it was nice having something that was actually good.”
“This don’t shock me none,” said Ron Thompson. “We can’t keep a dern thing in this town. We used to have big ass peanuts out the wazoo, now we got a buncha damn solar panels. But gas still steadily going up. We used to get a good hot dog and a Sundrop, now that’s gone. We had some pretty good smoke there for a lil bit, now that’s gone. We used to brag about hitting one out at the ballpark as kids, now the gaw dern fence is 30 foot high. I wonder what Brandon gone take away next.”
“Don’t forget about fireworks,” muttered Ron’s wife Alice. “They took those too. Take my life but not my fireworks. I don’t know what this country is coming to honestly.”
Problems began to arise shortly after the business changed hands, when new owner and CEO, Charles Jefferson began to engage his new customer base with promises of voided gift certificates and legal documents. “I don’t owe ‘em shit,” said Jefferson. “I bought the building and equipment and we’re just acting like we’re continuing the same business as usual, but we only bought the good stuff. Why people are too stupid to understand that is beyond me.”
The refusal to honor any past gift certificates created a great deal of dissension from past customers.
“This is sum bulls—” said Buck Wild. “The Missus done got me a gift certificate to come over here and get us some filet Mig-Nons for the anniversary, and they told me to get the hell out. Now I’m out here looking like an idiot holdin’ my meat or somethin’.”
Shortly after the announcement Thursday, the new owners announced that they were further rebranding as a newer business called Raw Meatz. “We had received some utility bills under our Newsoms Meat Holdings business,” said Jefferson. “We feel that is the responsibility of the old business, and we will not be honoring that prior obligation.”
“Newsoms gonna Newsoms,” said a Boykins resident anonymously.
“This don’t really affect me neither way,” said JON Q. “I done got me a whole mess a venison there in the frigidaire. Man, last fall won’t nothin’ but meat on the ground. I don’t feel sorry for these folks that can’t provide for themselves. Ever since I went on the disability on account of my achy back, I been out there droppin’ ‘em left n right.”
Others were unconcerned about the new business model and encouraged Jefferson to reconsider the decision, much like a parent would a petulant toddler.
“Please, please reopen,” requested Donna Smith. “Don’t bother with all the haters, you’re a pillar of the community, I just want my husband to be able to find his meat!”
Jefferson further challenged his disenchanted former customers and likened his situation to attempting to use their Golden Skillet coupons at the soon arriving Dunkin’ Donuts.
As for the town’s future, locals are growing restless. “Soon it’ll just be men laying their trick money down,” said Agatha Leslie. “$20 to pay the rent? Maybe not? Maybe instead I’ll spend it on the whore. Whores running around, doing their little behind-shake for the men folk.”