Part 8:  Delicious Chicken

Gustavo wasted no time. Within a week, stories broke about Officer Tinsticker getting toasted and winding up naked as a jaybird in the local Wal-Mart. Not to be outdone, when Moe Parr, who had since been reinstated, came to remove Tinsticker, the Newsoms Cop demanded he be released, offering to show Parr his badge. Recognizing there was nothing visible on his person, Parr informed Tinsticker, “It’s probably not even real, you just keep it where the sun don’t shine, it’s probably turning your rear end green as we speak.”

The meeting was set for September 15.  After the Facebook posts went viral, 300 people showed up, including Ol’ Stumpy in his handicapped access area.

Vice Mayor Creput called the meeting to order, but cautioned the crowd with a stern, “I know the six of you who regularly show up. For the rest of y’all, keep your mother fucking mouths closed. This ain’t no democracy, it’s a Ricktatorship. If you don’t know what it Ricktatorship is, you’re missing out, and you best ask somebody.” (Editor’s Note: The Vice Mayor may have said dictatorship, but Investigative Reporter was adamant it was Ricktatorship. Vice Mayor is like 113 year old, he probably has never heard the phrase Ricktatorship, now back to your article already in process.)

The first order of business involved the announcement of Bojangles. “We think y’all gone be real pleased with what I’m ‘bout to say. Y’all are gonna be getting your own Bojangles soon. We’re retrofitting the old BB&T there, it’s already got the drive thru, and they’re gutting the teller area as we speak to put in deep fryers. We’re planning to have it opened September 24. It’s Bo Time people.” The Vice Mayor then reached under the table, pulling out a giant bucket of Bojangles chicken, and started flinging fried chicken parts into the crowd.

I’m not too ashamed to admit I fought an eight year old child for a chicken leg. It was delightful. Thank you Vice Mayor, how did you know I liked dark meat?

After the delirium died down, and a few of the town council removed the Bo Buckets from their heads, the Vice Mayor moved on to the next order of business.

“It is with great regret that we, the board, have moved to dissolve our Police Department, effective this afternoon. We have relieved both of our officers of their duties, and we’ll look to work more with the County and State police moving forward. Did we mention you’re getting a Bojangles?”

Before the meeting, Jivewater Publications had received a letter from council member, Sandy Yarboro, who had planned to resign after the meeting.  The contents of the letter involved a myriad of topics, but notably, “I can no longer be a part of an organization that employs officers who run ‘afowl’ of the law with their chicken thieving ways, or who in drunken stupors flash their night stick around like it’s nothing. But even further back than that, I don’t care much for a Mayor drinking with a loaded weapon on his hip.” However she changed her mind after she came to her senses on free chicken.

The meeting adjourned, and for the first time in ages, there were no flashing blue lights in the town of Newsoms.