Part 7: Night Moves
Word travels fast in a small town. Before anyone had even left the meeting, it was all over Twitter (I’m sorry, I’m still laughing from that. I think Southampton County might be the final frontier for Twitter.) Facebook. It was all over Facebook. Your Grandma probably liked it under her third profile, because she forgot the password to her first two, and it was just easier to make another one than have her figure it out. So then your Grandma likes it, and you saw “Newsoms Mayor just went all Johnny Paycheck at the Newsoms Town Meeting”.
Gustavo had just closed up shop at the Bojangles, when his Facebook app had an alert. Upon opening the app, Grandma Gigi had indeed liked the Newsoms post. He immediately dialed the Vice Mayor to make a deal no mortal could refuse.
I had the shits. I knew it, I experienced it, now you have the image. Enjoy that. What else did you expect after I dined on Golden Corral, Bojangles, and Drake’s specials for a solid month? After fighting the prairie dog in my drawers during the meeting, I found the nearest bathroom and went to work. After a war of wills, I passed out due to exhaustion, Elvis style. I came to, maybe a minute later, hour later, who knows, you awake in a fart cloud, time doesn’t really matter. I put a “My bad” post it on the seat for whomever had to clean that up, and tried to exit the town hall when I heard voices.
I made my way back toward the meeting hall area, when I heard Gustavo’s familiar voice. “I’m prepared to make you the deal of a lifetime,” I overheard him say. “In exchange for the location to build a Bojangles in Newsoms, and the total disbandment of your police force, I’m prepared to offer each and every one of you free chicken for life at this Bojangles location. That’s all you can eat, no daily limit.”
| “I’m prepared to make you the deal of a lifetime.” |
“Well, I’ll take free chicken any day of the week,” Olden D. Creput replied, “but what do you want with our police?”
“They’re like forcefields around your town. People outright avoid coming to town for fear of being stuck with a ticket”, Gustavo continued. “You remove them, people can come freely into town. Get their Bojangles morning, noon, and night. Besides with Bojangles, you won’t even need cops, people don’t speed when they’re hopped up on biscuits. Your insides get all clogged up, and you get lethargic. After a month, you’ll develop the shits.” (I begrudgingly agreed under my breath and felt a twinge from the prairie dog.)
| “Well, I’ll take free chicken any day of the week.” |
“How do you suggest we go about ridding ourselves of Law and Tinsticker?”, Vice Mayor Creput asked.
“I’ll take care of all that. You have enough on Law to fire him twice. As for Tinsticker, we have a guy to help with that. Did I mention there’s free chicken?”
“We’ll have to call another meeting, but I think we all agree here. You better deliver the goods on those biscuits and chicken,” a hungry Vice Mayor demanded.