Part 5:  Friends in Low Places

As luck would have it, I had no trouble finding John Roberts.  I was on my way to town to feed my Drake’s Special addiction, when I spotted Johnny Law in the middle of a traffic stop. Law had pulled over three members of the volunteer fire department on their way to a fire, and wouldn’t you know it John Roberts was one of them.

“I can’t believe this sumbitch,” were the first words I ever had the pleasure of hearing out of John’s mouth. “We got a building burning three miles away, and Johnny Law here gonna write us a ticket. He knows I’m on the town council too, and he still don’t care. Jeez.” I walked over and dropped Stanley’s name. John immediately gave me his attention, and told me to meet up with him after he was done.

John Roberts was a 45 year old farmer and had served on the town council for three years after winning his seat in a landslide with a unanimous 5-0 vote in 2013.  Politics never interested him but he became intrigued when he found out the town council got special information on all the weed growers in town. His claim to fame was that he was the only speeder Trooper Johnson let go in 2011, with the edict that he must go forth and “Tell the others, so that they may learn the wrath of thine boot.”

A few hours later, we were sitting in his backyard. “So you want to know all about the Bojangles conspiracy huh?” He asked. “Well, it’s the worst kept secret in town, of course that’s what happens when your mayor is blabbering all over town about ‘It’s Bo Time’ while doing a chicken dance. It’s like this: We’re making some serious money with our ticket writing project. Mayor Nutt wants to take those funds and build a Bojangles, therefore increasing traffic flow to the town which in turn would mean even more speeders.”

“Once we’re flush with cash, we’ll have the speed trap of all speed traps. Gold police cars, gold plated AR-15s, more officers, more chokepoints, more everything. He figures no one can resist chicken that good, that’s so affordable.  And the sumbitch is right.  You try driving past the Bo sign hungry.  You can’t do it.  Next thing you know your right leg is nailing the gas, cause you gottawannaneedagettahava Bojangles.  It truly is brilliant.”

Roberts continued to talk another 15 minutes or so when I came back to from daydreaming about Shitonya’s Boberries. What he said during that time may be lost to history.

“But here’s the thing,” Roberts uttered as I came to, “This guy he’s dealing with wants half the profits, and this guy we’ve got writing our tickets doesn’t have the most credible history. To be able to move forward, he’s got to get rid of Law, and find someone else more legitimate to do his bidding. Until then, he’s stuck.”

Turns out Johnny Law, Jr. had quite a checkered past.  A couple years back, during one of the Friday night county auctions, he spit Skoal multiple times on people who outbid him on a Wyatt Earp leather holster. “It really got out of hand, he was mutterin’ something about not caring if anybody minds, a pinch ‘tween you cheek and gum is not a crime. They had him down on the auction block and everything. The county banned him from using Skoal products”, Roberts added.

“Then, he’s at court one day, and he meanders into the courthouse kitchen and helps himself to whatever he wants in the fridge. He eats Judge Reinhold’s salad, and ate every last bit of the District Attorney’s steak. The DA finds out it was him, but he won’t admit to it, so the DA tells him he better not see his ass ever again in his courtroom. Newsoms hasn’t brought a case up in court since. Most the public doesn’t know that though so they pay without ever going to court, ‘cause folks got better things to do than run to court every other week for a measly speeding ticket.”

“But maybe most damning of all, Law would show up to women’s houses while he was still on duty in uniform and pretend he was a hired stripper. The uniforms looked cheap enough as it was, so it probably looked costume quality, so some of the women bought it. I’m really not sure why you would believe it, but it’s Newsoms we’re talking about. Those poor old ladies were just lonely is all, I guess. But he got paid for two jobs while he was still on the clock here in town.”

“Of course, the Mayor doesn’t know how to edit the Microsoft Word document the town’s by-laws are printed on, so right now it says he can’t fire him without the town council’s approval. Johnny is on our town’s softball team, although he doesn’t look it, the dude can hit. We’re trying to win dammit, so we let some things slide.”

After talking my ear off, Roberts informed me he had secured me access to meet with the Mayor. He would assure him that I was doing a piece on the most fascinating people of Southampton County and that he was going to be our winner. I could follow him around for a day, but wouldn’t allow any questions pertaining to business. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity, so I reluctantly agreed.