FRANKLIN – What started out as an idiotic extortion attempt to raise money for a good cause turned hazardous Tuesday as the viral Cold Water Challenge claimed its first victim.
Wilbur Hutchins, 37, of the local volunteer fire department, dunked himself with gallons of cold water in an attempt to raise money for “Tighten Up”, a vital program that helps new single moms working as strippers get their figures back by aiding their stretch-mark removal. In the video, which is too graphic to show, Hutchins becomes hysterical around the one minute mark, yelling out, “Oh my God, where is it?! Where is it?! Please God, don’t do this to me.” He continues to search for another minute before he passes out.
EMTs on hand for the Cold Water Challenge responded quickly.
“I thought I’d seen it all,” said EMT James Ewing. “We checked his vitals and found a pulse, then we looked down and saw it, or lack thereof.”
“It was the worst shrinkage I’ve ever seen,” said Yolanda Thomas. “James backed off him and acted like it wasn’t in his job description to tend to a shrinkage victim. Attempts to resuscitate it went unrewarded. We then quickly got him to the hospital.”
“I reckon she worked on him a good 20 minutes,” said Ewing.
“We rolled him right up to the Family Practice kiosk where it suggested we put him in a room for a couple days with pictures of Kate Upton to increase the swelling, and a round of Z-pack just in case,” said Thomas. “He is expected to go home by the weekend.”
Hutchins’ wife, Thelma, didn’t seem to be too concerned. “Oh please, he wants everyone to think he’s suffering from shrinkage. To be honest, I don’t see much of a difference from before the challenge.”
News of Hutchins’ shrinkage spread quickly, though not seen by all. “I didn’t even see the video,” said Yvette Golden, who is Facebook friends with Hutchins. “They said it was on Facebook, but I couldn’t find it with all the fattening recipes, fishing for complements and posts trying to save my soul, so I gave up.”
Franklin Mayor Whatshername moved quickly, decreeing that the Cold Water Challenge be outlawed.
“I stand before you here today to outlaw the Cold Water Challenge,” said the Mayor. “Over the past few days, we’ve seen widespread shrinkage throughout our area, and we all know the devestation shinkage can cause , leading to hospitalizations, unsatisfied significant others, and overworking our emergency responders. We even had a child get a poked eye from a hardened stray nipple last night. This Cold Water Challenge is dangerous, people. We are demanding that you stop this practice and just donate to those poor stretch-mark ravaged strippers before you or a loved one succumb to shrinkage.
Buck Wild, a local resident, weighed in on the subject. “This is sum bullsheut right there,” said Wild. “You got folks dumping perfectly fine, drinking, bathing, and outhouse water, while my cousin Elroy can’t get no water out his well. Damn fools. And now you got the damn gov’ment telling you what you can and can’t do cause yer dern pecker is crawlin back in. I’m gon go back in the woods.”
Officials stated that any offense to the Cold Water statute, would lead to a ticket in excess of $200 and an increased workload for the Dynamic Duo.
Calls to Troopers Stanley Johnson and Moe Parr for a statement went unreturned, after it was learned that they both were obeying the law and were on their way to hand deliver their donation to “Tighten Up” in person.