By now you’ve heard it. You’ve been beaten over the head with it. You’ve been coerced into listening to it. Yes, even your Grandma knows it, and that’s not the end of it. Yes, if we got any more damn “Happy”, I don’t know what I’d do with myself.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please feel special. I mean it. You are one of the lucky ones, cookies are on me! However, if you are in the “I swear to God if I hear that G-D ‘Happy’ song again, I’m going to drive to Pharrell’s house and strangle him with his Canadianesque hat,” well then, pull up a chair.
The problem is not so much the song, at first anyways. It doesn’t grate the nerves the first time hearing it. Pharrell is a local guy, and doesn’t have adjectives describing broken laws in his name (I’m looking at you Missy), which are usually positive aspects. And if it had just minded its own business, gone to #1, then dropped to oblivion like 99% of any other industry song, you never would have noticed it. But like anything else, there is one trump card that ruins everything. Old white women.
When old white women take ownership of something, it’s just unbearable. They hear a song like this, and think to themselves, “Hey, I want to shake my Jell-O arms and flabby ass to this! The kids will think I’m cool and hip! Woo, I feel 20 years younger, look at me, oops, I just shit myself a little.” It’s not a pretty sight, I assure you.
Not to be outdone, these old white women get together and decide to make a dance video of them dancing horribly to the song, and post it to YouTube. Sure they look like they’re having a blast, but that’s where it should end. Dance around to your little song you’ve stolen from the masses with the shades drawn in the privacy of your own living room like every other normal person. Hell, dance your ass off and have yourself a night, just make sure you strap on a Life Alert beforehand.
No, you have to display your “joy” with the rest of the world, because let’s face it, the world is a much better place if it knows all the old white women are happy. If there’s one demographic that just can’t catch a break that would be the one. Then all the “news” outlets start showing these videos to the public, which again, only old white women watch and the viral spiral starts. “Oh hey Clara! We have to do our own video! You can get your Grandson to record and post it to the MySpacebook!” From there, it’s three long months of being harassed by the song everywhere you turn. It’s on the TV, radio, Facebook newsfeed, it’s everywhere!
These events usually happen during the summer months, which has me fearful for what’s around the corner. Do we have another three months of this? Am I going to crash a wedding in three months and have to endure all the oldies sweatin’ to the Electric Slide, Achy Breaky Heart, the Cupid Shuffle, the Wobble, and now this? Where’s that evolution of dance? I guess it’s not really an evolution if you never evolve past the point of dancing awkwardly with no rhythm no matter the song.
As for Pharell, at this point he may deserve charges of inciting a riot (or at the very least disturbing the peace) which would earn him a new moniker. P’town put your hands together for Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot and Pharell “Disturbin’ tha Peace” Williams! Better yet, since your Grandma likes that song so much, what better Mother’s Day gift to buy her than a ticket to that concert?