CAPRON- Cletus Moore, 52, vividly remembers spending nearly every Saturday night heading out to Capron to enjoy some of the best short track racing Virginia had to offer. “Aw man, it was the shit,” said Cletus. “Me and my boys would get lit in the parking lot before the first race of the night started, go in, get coated with dirt and rubber, and go home wearing the racetrack. It’s a damn shame they shut it down, they shoulda left it dirt if you ask me, but I’m excited to hear they’re gonna start racing there this weekend.”
SMS roots were steeped in good, hard, dirt track racing amongst local racers, where trying to run over a fellow competitor in the pits was celebrated and a badge of honor. However, after a paving project, many of the local drivers were replaced with higher budgeted out of town racers leading to sagging attendance and perhaps even more disheartening, a decline in the amount of sagging titties being flashed. “You miss the smell of the rubber, the weekly battles, the roar of 800 people clapping at your burnout, but nothing can replace the feeling you get when a 47 year old woman wearing a t-shirt with your car’s picture on it flashes you her gravity ravaged boobies behind pit wall after a win. For me that’s been the hardest part to get over,” said former SMS driver, Bubba Trane. The track would hang on for a few more seasons, but eventually the Capron speedway shuttered, lying dormant for years.
Speedway officials hope SMS’ revival comes with the SoCo Whips 500, a 500 lap event featuring street legal 90s era stock cars with a requirement that drivers have to be from Southampton/Franklin and surrounding areas. The race’s purse consists of a set of 20 inch rims from Bobby’s Muffler. Track president Dale Schumer said several local drivers have already landed sponsorship deals for the event. “We’re looking to recapture that local flair. It’s already becoming a pretty big deal. I was riding around the Franklin Wal-Mart parking lot one night and just couldn’t believe the amount of immaculately painted cars in the parking lot. Then it hit me. Let’s get these cars on the track and have a race!” said Schumer.
Drivers confirmed for the SoCo Whips 500 include Deon Anderson in the Jolly Rancher Chevy, Julian Hodge in the Alabama Crimson Tide Chevy, Thomas Davis in the Miami Hurricanes Chevy, Shelby Peters in the Nerds Oldsmobile, Jerry Oldman in the Dallas Cowboys Chevy, Tonya Keller in the Hello Kitty Pontiac, Jermaine Thomas in the Skittles Chevy, David Jeffers in the Kobe Bryant “I didn’t rape that girl just look at all my championships” Honda, Patrick Jefferson in the Good Humour Ice Cream Truck Astro Van, Lou Ferrigno Jr., in the Incredible Hulk Mean Green Ford, and Wanda Brock in the Lula B. Mercury.
Earlier practices have shown that the Jolly Rancher Chevy is consistently among the fastest on the speed charts. “We got it rollin’ real good through the corners, said Jolly Rancher driver, Deon Anderson. “That hydraulic lift in the suspension is raising that right side up perfect through the turns and we’re making good time, plus it looks real cool for the fans to walk by the car and see it just bouncing up and down on pit road while we’re just bassing out. Maurice and the crew have done a great job bringing me a good looking piece to the race track. We’ll be tough.”
By all accounts, the local support has been outstanding and several prerace events have been planned. An infield Twerkin’ contest will be held, but with a twist: each driver will back up to the pit road and their sound system will supply the music, with the driver entering their own twerkin’ girl and song choice. The fans will get to vote, with the winner getting to start on the pole for the SoCo Whips 500.
Local talent, YouTube sensation, and shy kid from el-a-men-ta-reee, Dunkalicious has been signed to a prerace concert for the fans and will sing the national anthem. “I’m pretty excited for the opportunity,” said Dunkalicious, “but it ain’t my fault your girl likes me.”
Xzibit and local favorite DJ Drawls have been named Grand Marshals for the race. “When I heard they were gonna have a race with these tricked out rides with these crazy paint jobs, I knew X to tha Z had to be a part of it,” said MTV’s Pimp my Ride Host, Xzibit. “I can’t wait to see all those cars on the track at one time.”
“I can’t wait to see this in person,” said Cletus. “Me and my boys are gonna have to get together like old times. And we ain’t got to worry about seeing that damn Jimmie Johnson ruining the damn thing with his cheating crew chief, and we damn sure don’t have to worry about that little beady eyed sumbitch, Kyle Busch, walking around like he’s God’s gift to auto racing. Then again, he won’t stay out of the Nationwide and Truck series so who’s to say he won’t try to spoil this for everyone too. Asshat. God I hate him.”
Tickets are on sale now and are selling fast. Anyone interested call 1-800-SMS-RACE or go on www.localredneckmerrygoround.com to purchase yours today!