Timothy (pronounced tee-MO-thee) and I got snowed in at the Franklin Walmart on January 29. We drew the evening shift Tuesday night and as fate would have it the parking lot got snowed over so much that “Babe Magnet”, also known as my ’97 Ford Escort, was useless. Timothy, who had gotten a ride from his “Moms,” was likewise stranded when he found out she wasn’t coming back out to get him.
Timothy, ever the entrepreneur, took all the bread to the back to hide it from customers. When a female he deemed attractive asked him if there was any left, he tried to play it smooth, like he had saved the last loaf just for her. In exchange for her digits, he’d fetch a loaf of bread. At this time it would be prudent to point out that Timothy has 8 kids by 9 different women. Yes I said that right. One of the women maintains it wasn’t her child and that Timothy had implanted her with some other hussy’s kid, it’s still pending in court. I don’t know if he’s some kind of tail-pulling genius, or a twisted predator. I took notes just in case it’s the former. These ladies did seem more interested in his bread routine than riding in “Babe Magnet”.
After selling out of bread, milk, salt, and shovels for real this time, we spent the night in the break room using plastic bags as pillows. Timothy had found Mrs. Tonight after he had persuaded her to come to the back over the “last” half gallon of 2% milk. It turns out that Mrs. Tonight’s answer to the question, “What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor ‘cause he’s hungry, and the only way to feed him was to sleep with a man for some 2% milk?” was a resounding, “Yes.” I awoke to Mrs. Tonight wearing Timothy’s blue vest and cooking us eggs over the Coleman stove we had setup. I guess her son was ok, she didn’t seem too concerned about him, but I’d like to think he got some milk when she got home.
You would have thought the weather would have kept people at home, but we were pretty busy. All night we had people coming in, some with canes and walkers, talking about how bad the weather was, but none seeming too fazed by any of it. None of them had anything pressing to buy either, as we saw folks buying the usual random things to clutter up their house. The prophylactic section remained untouched, FYI. See you in 9 months!
It’s been so cold and ugly lately we just have not been able to keep certain items in stock. Since last week’s dusting, we’ve only been able to keep whole milk in stock. Nothing like chugging down some liquid fat! To make it worse, the only bread left was Joober’s Own, some kinda Jewish unleavened bread that no one buys, which is totally surprising given our bustling Jewish population. I’m sure there was some interesting French toast made last week. I don’t get the whole milk and bread thing anyway, you’d be better served to go to the ABC store, get their stiffest fifth of alcohol in the store and make yourself pass out for the duration of the snowstorm. Problem solved! It’s not like you’re taking care of your kids anyway, they’re used to fending for themselves. You know those little ones in your house that you bought Call of Duty for without reading the warning labels and then they come on my X-Box Live and make inappropriate comments about what they’re going to do to my mother? It’s always an education. I wonder if my Mom would be flattered to know she has all these secret admirers?
During the past two weeks we have seen some of the craziest customer behavior I have ever witnessed. I was coming across the produce section, which most of our customers seemingly skip over religiously (size 24 pants are our biggest sellers). About halfway across the next section I saw this lady, who looked to be about 16 months pregnant except for the simple fact that her gut wasn’t the normal round. It looked like she was gestating a web-footed creature that kept kicking from underneath her cotton nightgown that she had worn out especially just for us. Turns out she was just trying to shoplift a duck decoy for her husband. Not wanting to confiscate it by going under the nightgown, I let it go. Sometimes it’s not worth the fight.
Then I got wrapped up in the Silk Boxer Bandits case, I’m sure you read all about that. I’m not sure what was the bigger crime, robbing a bank, or showing everyone their silk covered rears.
After all that excitement, we had the Duck Dynasty cardboard cutouts stolen for the umpteenth time. I have no idea what these people are doing with these cutouts, I even saw one cram a Phil Robertson one under his trench coat in the middle of the day!
After the roads were finally cleared Thursday, we were finally able to leave our shift. Timothy was able to hitch a ride home with his new found love, and I made it home to go online and defend my mother’s honor, one newb at a time. I hear they’re calling for it to happen all-over again this week! Guess I’ll see if Timothy’s tricks will pay off. That’s just another day in the store we like to call the Wal-Mart!