FRANKLIN–When Giovani Shepherd, 10, saw the 27 new buses parked in front of his Franklin Elementary School, he could only remark, “Where the rest at?”
The 27 new Franklin school buses each hold a capacity of 17 students, and are an integral part of the new Franklin City Public Schools’ Ridin’ the Short Bus: Tempering Dreams and Lowering Expectations initiative. The buses will be used for the undereducated, said Suarez Purdee, supervisor of Pupil Support Services.
“The Ridin’ the Short Bus campaign is all about letting the public know that we hear your concerns,” said the Franklin Superintendent. “It’s no secret to us, most of these kids aren’t going to college, they aren’t going to go off and cure cancer. Most of these kids test in the lowest possible percentile, so this program is all about tough love and letting them know where they rate amongst their peers. Riding the Short Bus really drives home that fact that “Hey buddy, today you’re on the short bus, and I doubt you’ll ever get off the short bus of life, and no you can’t work at McDonald’s, dammit I eat there, I sure don’t want to die of E.coli poisoning because they got you manning the grill. Why does everyone assume working at McDonald’s is the lowest common denominator? It’s not. Riding the short bus is!””
The bus meets all the 2013 Regulations Engineered To Alleviate Ridiculous Disorders (R.E.T.A.R.D.) safety and energy standards and comes without a governor, so bus drivers can really whip around all the city’s corners, and jump every speed bump to get them youngans home as soon as possible. Not to be outdone, each seat comes with a series of restraints that will keep each retard, er, I mean, each “slow” child from leaving his/her/it’s seat and harming the other children. Each row of seats also has their own helmets and the seats also double as flotation devices, should the occupants ever take an impromptu field trip into the Blackwater River. The buses also come with a recreational area, where kids can have dice games and play with iPads (Editor’s Note: All iPads have been stolen from the buses as of press time), The short bus also comes with a breathalyzer system that checks the driver for any traces of alcohol before driving, but as of yet, no drug testing is in place.
The buses cost approximately $85,000 each, yet inexplicably do not contain flux capacitors, or come from the makers of the Magic School Bus line, which, I hate to ruin it for you kids, is really just a burnout teacher whose husband left her at 30 and now she’s just a childless spinster who spends her weekends making pottery and smoking weed to fill the empty void. Then to make the kids like her, slips acid in their Kool-Aid during story time, and pretends that she’s taking the kids through the human rectum or flying through space or something. Oh, you didn’t know? Teachers aren’t drug tested either. (Granted, I’m not sure what money they would have to buy drugs with, and to babysit your kids all week they probably deserve a little puff.)
The money to pay for the bus line was procured from Easy Come-Easy Go Auto Advance, a high-interest title loan company the superintendent saw on TV. “They said they could turn my title into cash, fast, and they weren’t kidding!”, said the Superintendant. “We’re also looking to have a bake sale, and we’re selling Krispy Kremes for 10 dollars a box. Half the proceeds will go to the buses, the rest will go towards fighting childhood obesity.”
The 27 buses will be in use this week, with the routes beginning 45 minutes before “real” school gets out for the 15 other non-“slow” students. The jokes about riding the short bus to school have already started.