FRANKLIN- Move over, four-car pullover maneuver plaque, there’s some new hardware about to be added to Trooper Johnson’s mantle. After a staff-wide vote, Trooper Stanley Johnson has been named Jivewater’s Sexiest Man Alive.
“Let’s just say he was very popular among our female staff members,” said Jivewater News Senior Editor, Senior Editor. “I myself, abstained from voting in this process, as being the consummate heterosexual, I couldn’t tell you what women find attractive, but our female employees certainly seemed to catch the vapors when it came to one half of the Famous Dynamic Duo.”
“OOOHHHH, EEEEMMMMMM, GEEEEEE”, said one Jivewater female staff member who asked to remain anonymous. “Let me just say, he can pull me over anytime!” She could not be reached for further comment, as she fainted, and we didn’t have time to wait.
“As a state trooper, you don’t let yourself have any nonsense fantasies. You deal in real life situations, knowing you will never have the streets cleaned, and humanity safe, so it was quite a surprise when I learned of the sexiest man alive announcement. I don’t live my life in make believe, this isn’t Mayberry where the only blight is the town drunk who locks himself in at night. I’m just one man, doing the best I can with what God gave me, which in this case isn’t bad, as he has blessed me with a bad ass Dodge Charger, Glock, amazing driving skills, and eight-pack abs. Oh, and a really big shoe size. People could be a lot worse off I guess, but I didn’t really think that this was on the table,” a shocked Trooper Johnson tells Jivewater in this week’s cover story.
“I was just amazed, and stunned, and it almost seemed like they were kidding, but they weren’t, so that’s cool. Now if I could just convince my wife and Moe Parr of this.”
The Southampton-raised Johnson also reveals that he cries at poor legislation that impedes civil liberties, loves to be naked, and is looking forward to settling down in the near future as a sheriff. “I didn’t think Sheriff-hood was for me for a long time,” the 33-year-old says. “But I know one day, the days of chasing these numbskulls through our highways will be behind me, this is a young man’s life. I just hope when that day comes I’ll still have these wonderful abs. That’s about as simple as it could possibly be.”
As for his fit physique, Johnson credits yoga, Golden Corral, and his freak of nature genes for keeping his stamina up, especially as his legend continues to skyrocket. “This is just a really interesting time where everything seems to be heading in a certain direction,” he adds. “And I’m not taking any of it for granted.”