Editors Note: In the streets of Tidewater, people fall in one of two separate and totally unequal groups: on the side of the Dynamic Duo, who wouldn’t dare commit a crime; or that of the foolish criminal, who violates the law and in turn gets their rectum ruptured. These are their stories.
FRANKLIN— The Tidewater area’s beloved Dynamic Duo, State Troopers Moe Parr and Stanley Johnson, has thwarted what officials are calling the biggest cash grab in the history of 2014. Justa Shame, 25 and Felonious Grant, 24, otherwise known as the Silk Boxer Bandits, have been arrested for their parts in Friday’s armed robbery of SunTrust Bank in downtown Franklin. Currently both are being held and treated at the Regional Jail for torn rectums, courtesy of Stanley Johnson’s state-issued size 13 steel-toed boot. “They made a withdrawal, and then they got deposited,” said Trooper Johnson.
The Silk Boxer Bandits promptly began their raid of Suntrust at 10:50 a.m., proving that crime does in fact, sleep in. The two white boys, dressed as twinsies, entered the SunTrust toting hand guns while wearing matching green hoodies, ski masks, and sagging jeans that failed to cover their trademark black silk Joe Boxers that shone in the broad daylight. With the heightened confidence one gains from comfortable silk boxers cradling your coin purse, Felonious and Justa moved quickly, brandishing their handgun with one hand and holding their sag in the other.
Clemuel Simmons was in the bank cashing his Jivewater News payroll check when the robbery occurred, resulting in Simmons injuring his hip from hitting the floor. After he finished muttering to himself about Obamacare, from his stretcher as he was being hauled away Clem stated “These damn hoodlums come in here gallivanting around with their asses hanging halfway out their britches talking about everybody get their asses on the ground. So we’re all down there laying on the floor at eye level with their pants’ waist line, I saw one had a Hello Kitty belt buckle. Must not be a very good buckle.” said Clem. “Shit makes me sick, I reckon now they ought to have enough money to buy a real damn belt!”
“Let’s not all get too upset here,” said another customer in-line, “no one was hurt, and SunTrust isn’t a real sympathetic victim. Hell, they’ve had their hand in my pocket for years, yet I don’t see the Police in here trying to arrest them.”
“I wish I’duh been in there,” said local resident Buck Wild. “I’duh shot’em right ‘tween the eyes if they tried to pull something like that with me! That’s sum bullsheit right there. That would put a stop to that right then and there!”
The suspects fled on foot with cash, three unloaded Visa gift cards, and a brochure on retirement savings accounts. “I guess it was their plan to steal all the cash, load it onto these gift cards, then retire comfortably, spending their days lounging peacefully in silk boxers, presumably,” said Trooper Johnson.
The Dynamic Duo received several key tips that led to the arrests. “Say what you will about the NSA, but they were on it this time,” said Trooper Parr. “They were able to snoop on everyone’s recent Netflix activity and were able to spot these two. In the past two weeks they had rented Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13, the Italian Job, Magic Mike, The Town and Tower Heist. It was pretty obvious they were doing some research here.”
“We also had a few of their friends from X-Box Live send us a tip about their play habits,” said Johnson. “Gamertag iluvsprinkles83 said that he had been bombarded recently from each of the suspects to play co-op on Payday, a violent bank robbing game. Another gamer, OCD4COD said he kept getting invite requests to play Grand Theft Auto V, mainly the out-in-the-country, bank robbing mission.”
The information enabled the Duo to make a case, but they still didn’t have the suspects’ whereabouts. That changed Saturday, when Jonathan, everyone’s favorite Wal-Mart Greeter, spotted one of the suspects walking around Wal-Mart. “Dude comes in dressed exactly like the photo the police released,” said Jonathan. “I mean, dude clearly hasn’t even bothered to change, much less destroy, the clothes he was wearing. I was a tad distracted at the time, as I was hosing off another couple that was getting too hot and heavy in the produce section. I saw him go up to the dressing room mirror doing 360s, checking out his reflection. He twirled a couple more times, but eventually seemed satisfied that his black silks were puffed out to perfection. Then he turned and I saw the Hello Kitty belt buckle that had been listed in the police bulletin. I went up, pretending I thought he was someone else and asked him, “What’s a Suffolk boy like you doing in Franklin?” He got real short and responded, “I’m Zuni ‘til I die son! You can find me at 3124 Bunghole Avenue, Zuni, son! What?!” He then asked me if I knew big H. I told him no and that I was going on break, where I quickly called Trooper Johnson.”
In no time, Parr and Johnson were sitting on the house.
“I pulled off to the side on the front of the house,” said Parr. “We saw Justa come out the front door, boxers glistening in the January sunshine, still wearing the same clothes he had robbed the bank in over 48 hours earlier. Upon recognizing my pace car, he high-tailed it back inside seemingly heading to the back door.”
“He came out the back door, where I was waiting for him,” said Johnson. “He then realized who he was dealing with, and I saw a cold, yellow trickle begin to hit the steps from down his pants leg. He tried to run. That was a mistake. The descriptions listed him at 160 pounds. You tell me who you think won.” (Editor’s note: There were stains on the right toe of Johnson’s boot. The stains were mostly brown, but maybe a smidge of yellow, and a sprig of green.)
“We got him to the cruiser and sat him down for questioning, you know just having a polite conversation,” said Parr. “About that time, Mr. Shame decides he wants to run again. Trooper Johnson quickly shot me a look that said, ‘It’s your turn buddy, you deserve this!’”
A couple minutes later, Shame was back in the cruiser and soon off to be booked at the regional jail. (Editor’s note: There were stains on the right toe of Parr’s boot. The stains were less brown, with a smidge of yellow, a sprig of green and a splash of vibrant red.)
Upon hearing of the rectal thrashing that Justa received, Felonious turned himself in quickly. He soon also received a ruptured rectum courtesy of his former cellmate, who was overjoyed to have his former lover back in the fold.
Shame faces charges of armed bank robbery, possession of a firearm by a violent convicted felon, use of a firearm in the commission of a felony, wearing a mask in public, being over 18 and wearing Hello Kitty paraphernalia, grand larceny, conspire with another to commit bank robbery, 13 counts of abduction, and most importantly, indecent exposure.
Grant will face charges of armed bank robbery, possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, use of a firearm in the commission of a felony, wearing a mask in public, grand larceny, conspire with another to commit bank robbery, solicitation to commit bank robbery, 13 counts of abduction, and sodomy in a public place.
After another day’s hard work, Trooper Parr remarked, “You would have thought by now that everybody, especially the locals, would realize that if you break the law around here the Dynamic Duo will be on your ass!”