RICHMOND/FRANKLIN- In an election that was seemingly there for the taking, a late night scandal has doomed Senior Editor’s chance to become Virginia’s governor. The scandal, involving campaign manager Carl Thomas, came at the absolute worst time for Senior Editor. Polls taken early Monday, before the transgression, showed Senior Editor gaining favor in several key demographics including the pivotal idiotic undecided crowd. With the scandal’s close proximity to Tuesday’s election, any chances of the small-time crappy newspaper editor with zero political experience becoming Virginia’s newest leader were quickly extinguished. Terry McAulliffe ended up being the major benefactor, as he won with less than 50% of the vote, while Senior Editor finished 5th in the balloting with 6 votes, only 8 shy of Mickey Mouse.
“It is regrettable, that actions taken by a certain individual have derailed any potential bid for my governorship,” said Editor. “We gave it the good fight with our grass roots campaign looking for write-in votes, fighting the common problem of ballot misspellings. With tonight’s results, we see that the will of the people is to be led by that weasel. I’d like to thank all six of you that saw it fit to vote for me, and I’m pretty pleased that we were able to draw more votes than Iron Man. Just remember Trooper Johnson’s famous words, ‘You vote for the (D), now you will get the D!’ ”
The misconduct that condemned Senior Editor’s bid involved Carl Thomas, Senior Editor’s campaign manager and Schlitz enthusiast. Thomas allegedly used campaign appropriated funds Monday night to throw an impromptu party. Reports indicate that Thomas rented a mega-stretch limo and hired several local call girls to celebrate the re-opening of his favorite local restaurant, the Greasy Spoonlet. Thomas was booked at the Franklin jail and charged with indecent exposure, noise violations, failure to remain inside a moving vehicle, capias, soliciting female companionship, having an open beverage container and poor taste in alcoholic beverage choice.
“I was down at the Golden Corral enjoying the buffet that I helped save when I heard reports over the scanner about a limo causing trouble in the Greasy Spoonlet parking lot,” said Trooper Stanley Johnson. “I quickly left without even getting my ice cream, and arrived on scene. When I pulled up Mr. Thomas was hanging out the top window of the limo with a Schlitz 40 in one hand and Fancy in the other, ordering all sorts of stuff. Barbeque, fish, hush puppies, you name it, Mr. Thomas was ordering it. I approached the limo and suddenly realized that Mr. Thomas was indeed pantsless, and this limo was teeming with ‘ladies of the night.’ He kept remarking that the limo was his very own ‘polling station’ and he could not stop blabbering about his ‘yacht.’ It was definitely a party on wheels. After realizing Mr. Thomas was not going to return the party to the inside of the limo, I quickly made my arrests.”
Jasper Holmes, Carl Thomas’s interpreter and legal consult, posted bail and spoke on behalf of Thomas, stating, “It’s been a busy month, a stressful month for Carl. We’ve had the election, with Senior Editor throwing his hat in the ring so late, the Bojangles announcement coming, and the Greasy Spoonlet re-opening, man Carl was like a kid on Christmas, hell I was excited too. If you can’t get excited about Bo-Berry biscuits and delicious barbeque then dammit I can’t help you. Old Carl here, he was just blowing off some steam man, enjoying the feel of a fine automobile, the taste of barbeque and an ice cold Schlitz, and the company of 15 women. Sure he may have blown 75% of Senior Editor’s campaign funds, but dammit that’s Editor’s fault, he knew Carl was weak for the flesh. I can’t believe he got Fancy to come out of retirement though, man that must have taken some doing.”
Fancy was questioned at the scene and commented “I was just trying to get into the Governor’s mansion, how else would you move it up town?”
Thomas is expected to have the charges dropped, as his criminal record consists of only a couple of loitering and open container charges. As for Senior Editor, with the election behind him he plans to return to work, remarking, “Well, we got another jackass in office that should give me something to write about for the next four years.”