RICHMOND – Who would have ever thought that Jo Dee Messina would have prophesied this? When that radio-faced chubby Ginger presented us with the option of “Heads Carolina, Tails California” during the peak of 90s country, who would have thought she would have been foreshadowing the 2013 Virginia Gubernatorial race? These are your options now. Flip a coin, Heads Carolina, Tails California… It’s heads,… Ok, let’s go for two out of three, and change it to somewhere greener, somewhere warmer, instead? Fine, but hurry up. You don’t want to keep the vacuum shop guy waiting. Yes, I’m talking about getting out of Dodge folks.
It’s amazing to me we’ve reached this point. Don’t get me wrong, we haven’t had the strongest of Governors as of late, nothing I couldn’t suck up and stay in-state over, but this matchup of Cuccinelli and McAuliffe has me wishing the ceiling caves in at their debate ashamed to be a Virginian.
This is the best we can do? Really?! Has politics devolved so much, that to become candidate-worthy, you have to have kissed so much ass to the point where you eat and breathe shit, done just enough absurd things to appease the nut jobs in your party while making everyone else squeamish, and reduce yourself to a caricature of what everyone hates about your political party? Is 2013 that year?
I guess decent, qualified, dignified people, with good ideas and morals to move the state or country forward are weeded out well before any primaries are decided, leaving some of the worst individuals to duke it out in some political game of Fear Factor, clogging up your television with shameful commercials about women’s rights. Why on earth is this still a political subject? In case they didn’t learn from Romney’s flop, news flash: You do NOT screw with lady business and get elected to office! Oh yeah, and let’s not forget how all our kids are going around saying, “Uncle Bobby, what’s a Coochy Nelly?”
All you really need to know about our candidates is this: One is and looks just like a weasel, or at least one of the Whos in the Jim Carrey version of The Grinch. He’s every bad quality possessed by a slimeball used car salesman/lawyer/volcano insurance salesman all rolled into one. The other has spent his entire time as attorney general trying to score future political gains, while in his spare time attacking pretty much everything that is good about this world, i.e. what goes on in your bedroom. You know that thing you may be lucky enough to get on special occasions? Yeah, he tried to make that against the law. Could be he was trying to attack the gay community, could be he’s jealous of others getting said special treatment; regardless, I know the greatest politician in our lifetimes, Mr. William Jefferson Clinton, a.k.a. Bill, would never stand for such a thing.
So, in other words, they both really suck.
There is also a third candidate involved. He’s a libertarian and has no experience, which means one thing to you: a wasted vote. He’s not winning, and if he did, he’s probably not the right answer either. Although, perhaps no experience isn’t really such a bad thing, and fresh, untainted blood could be the answer. I know we’ve told you not to vote before, and we assure you we really meant it, but at this time, The Jivewater News is endorsing its very own, Senior Editor.
The write-in vote has long been the vote of dissension, and what better way to tell these two stinking assholes to get out of our state than by having them lose to a fake person? So when you go to the ballot box on that day we’re too lazy to look up, vote for the voice of the village idiot. Vote for Senior Editor.
We hear the pay isn’t too bad, so we’ll accept; plus we really will try to ban North Carolina drivers for you, as well as repeal the Sundrop ban, and appoint Troopers Stanley Johnson and Moe Parr to head of police matters. (We really don’t know if there is such a thing, but hell, when we’re governors, there will be!) And we promise not to ban stuff that you like! But if you must go with a person on the ballot, if your conscience tells you you’re just wasting your vote if you write something in, well, just take that shiny, less-than-2%-copper, Lincoln penny from your pocket, flip that coin, and go where Honest Abe tells you.
Editor’s Note: We realize that the “other” local paper has also released a similar endorsement article prior to this article’s release. We assure you that this piece was written before that discovery, and while we lament sharing a similar view with them for once, we must acknowledge that broken clocks are indeed correct twice a day.