COURTLAND— Donna Jameson, 59, of Courtland spent her Sunday evening quietly at home. Unfortunately for Jameson, that wasn’t where she intended to be, as the auto-correct on her phone misinformed 911 operators to her condition and her whereabouts. Donna, using the new 911 text feature, which is currently only available if you are a Whorizon Wireless customer in Southampton County, allows users to send a short message service (SMS) text message to 911 for emergency help when unable to make a 911 voice call.
“I had just gotten done with the wash, and I was fixin’ to get dinner ready,” said Jameson, “when it hit me. Lord, I run to the bathroom fast as I could, and as luck would have it, I had my shiny new iPhone my daughter had just got me for my birthday in my pants pocket. But I had to rush so fast to sit down that my knee gave out and couldn’t move, needless to say I was in need of medical attention. I don’t get no cell reception on the throne, so I heard that you could text 911 now, so I figured that was my only option.”
After she was unable to place a call, Jameson began to file through her iPhone looking to find the text app. “I hit the wrong durn button a few times,” said Jameson, “next thing I know that damn Pandora thingamajig is playing music and I don’t know how to turned this bless-ed thing off, so I got Zac Brown singing about how he likes his Chicken fried, meanwhile my knee is throbbing like the dickens. Then that Angry Birds game shows up out of nowhere, so I figure you have to beat a level to get to the text app, so I try and I try for like 10 minutes to kill those pigs, I finally do and it just takes me to the next level. So I do what anyone else would do and started mashing buttons.”
After some trial and error, Jameson was finally able to pull up the texting screen. She was able to type in the numbers 9-1-1. “It was a minor miracle,” said Jameson, and she then began her message to 911. “What I thought I had typed was, “Send help I’ve busted my knee, my address is (redacted), Donna Jameson.”
“That’s not the text we got at all,” said 911 operator Ryu Bleeden. The text that came across our monitor was, “Send hemp I’ve brushed my teeth, Don’t forget the Jameson.” Now, we’re trained to understand that people are in distress and may make mistakes, so we quickly replied, “R U hurt, Do U need help?” The response we got back was, “FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: Love may not last forever, but true friendship should. Send this to all of your true friends in less than 10min.”
“Someone had just sent me a forward and I got confused and accidentally sent it to 911,” said Jameson. “Still it was good advice, it’s good to have friends!”
After the forwarded message, 911 operator Bleeden contemplated not responding, but opted to remain professional and make one last attempt, sending a message this time that read: “This is not a toy, R U Hurt? Last chance.” Seconds later Bleeden received a pic message and immediately disconnected from the distress text upon viewing.
911 protocol states that 911 shall make two attempts to discern if there is a legitimate emergency or if some tomfoolery is afoot. “We are stretched thin as it is,” said 911 chief, Timmy Welles, “with people using ambulances as their own personal taxi to get them to their routine doctor’s visits, we can’t just go sending our best people out for nothing, so we have to be certain. In this case we determined it to be someone playing with our new system.”
“I can’t believe I did that,” said Jameson. “I had my phone lying across my lap and I hit the damn photo button and took a picture. In a panic, I tried to get back to the text screen but apparently I sent that to 911 too. I can’t win. Oh my God, I’m so sorry!”
The photo in question was of Jameson’s crotch, with a toilet full underneath.
“OMG!” said Donna’s daughter, Penny. “I got her this iPhone and she was totally clueless, I swear. The first night she had it, she called me 8 times by accident, and if I had a dollar for every time she said, “Show me how this thing works again,” I could have paid for her entire plan. But she doesn’t know how to text, like, at all! I’ll just get random texts for her she didn’t mean to send, so I’m not surprised by this at all. One day, out of the blue, she just sends me a text that said “Poo.” Clearly I didn’t respond.”