COURTLAND – Tuesday morning was markedly different than the previous two month’s worth of mornings. The air had that distinct diesel smell, normally punctual people were all late for work, and gleefully cheesing deadbeat mothers everywhere were repeatedly and interchangeably thanking God and Jesus in their driveway, all the while wearing paper thin robes and smoking cigarettes which were being held in her mouth by the hole where their front tooth used to be. Yes folks, this can only mean one thing: FREE DAYCARE IS BACK OPEN Y’ALL!
“Oh yes, thank you Jesus!,” said ‘parent’ Tina Jones, still in a half-open bath robe with a stray nipple peaking out. “I’ve been having to keep up with these kids all summer, it’s time somebody else took these kids off my hands for 9 months.”
The free daycare program, also known as the public school system, reopened for the 2013-2014 school year on Tuesday morning. With it also came the new law, My Child is Actually Your Child Now, which was recently signed into law by President Obama. The My Child is Actually Your Child Now or MCIAYCN, eliminates any and all responsibility and/or liability of parents’ involvement in their children’s education.
“It’s just a huge blessing,” continued Jones. “I’ve been saying for years you’re a teacher, you teach, what’s that got to do with me? It ain’t my responsibility to help him with his homework, get him a bunch of bullshit school supplies and help him learn to read. What’re we paying you for anyway?”
The legislation has not been well received in the teaching community, as one teacher who spoke on the condition of anonymity stated, “It’s going to be no different than years past, why would we expect anything different? It’s no secret parental involvement is seriously lacking these days, and we spend half our day correcting problems that start at home before we can move on to whatever stupid shit the state feels needs to be on a standardized test. To hell with this, who wants to go get a margarita?”
Unsurprisingly, My Child is Actually Your Child Now legislation has led to a number of teachers opting for early retirement rather than have to deal with the decaying public school system. With numerous teachers leaving, the free daycares have had no choice but to hire green, inexperienced babysitters, er… teachers as replacements. Said new teacher to be, Kara Timmons, “This sucks, no one told me that I’d make twice as much being a nurse. All I heard was summers, weekends and winter break off. I think I need to go back to school.”
“I’m really concerned,” said one school principal. “As some of you may well know, Grand Theft Auto V is coming out in just two weeks. When you combine this new legislation with the fact that all these children will be playing this game nonstop, well I think that’s going to be a volatile situation. We certainly know there will be no parental guidance there to put into context that picking up a prostitute, paying her for services rendered to restore your depleted health, having said prostitute leave your vehicle, then running her over and recouping your spent cash is something you shouldn’t be doing in real life. This is going to push back SOL curriculum a good month!”
In response to MCIAYCN, teachers have since lobbied legislators to pass the controversial Sometimes It’s Ok to Hit a Child legislation. Sometimes It’s Ok to Hit a Child Legislation would give each teacher one lawsuit free strike a month to any misbehaving student. These strikes could then be rolled over if it was not used for that month as rollover strikes, and can also be placed in a collective strikes bank for all teachers to use. A digital counter would be placed in each teacher’s room with the available strikes visible for all to see (which only works if the kids can read in the first place). The idea being that if a student knows Mr. Suchandsuch has a strike left, it may be in their best interests to behave until that strike is used on an even more deserving miscreant.
“Ain’t nobody spanking my babies,” said Jones, still celebrating the 180 days of free daycare to come, with the cigarette never moving from its gap-toothed perch. “They ain’t done nothing wrong, they’re good kids, y’all just don’t know how to talk to ‘em.” Jones then returned inside to where a man she’d just met impregnated her. Afterwards, the man quickly disappeared.
The teacher’s union feels that if the legislation is passed, you may see some of the grizzled veterans return to the teaching ranks. “I think that it would be the best thing for all involved,” said Union President, Reedin N. Cipherin. “You tell some of these older generation teachers that they can finally bust some heads open, well you will probably have your experience back in no time. We’re hopeful, and think this will usher in a new era of learning where teachers, concussions, and abiding students will work together where we can finally stop looking like the slow kid in class compared to the rest of the world.”
For now, officials plan to continue the standard 180 days of free daycare, which will run to mid-June of 2014.