COURTLAND—Fairgoers got quite a surprise Wednesday night, as they experienced Southampton County’s version of the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. For starters, the good had Little Miss Chlamydia Davis, 17, of Zuni, claiming the 2013 Franklin-Southampton County Fair Queen crown during Wednesday’s pageant.
The daughter of Little Mister Davis and Philsypilis Davis, Little Miss Chlamydia wowed the onlookers with her poise and personality. During the interview portion, Chlamydia captivated the judges with her impassioned speech about how Virginia’s recent law banning North Carolina drivers in Virginia has kept her safe, allowing her to graduate High School a year early and that further legislation is needed in other states to protect less fortunate children in Tennessee, South Carolina, and any other state North Carolinians may try to venture.
All seemed to be going well until the sportswear competition, as participants paraded around the stage in swimsuits, athletic outfits, and one volleyball outfit. One of the judges, Chester Hardy, wearing his signature trench coat, started to appear restless in his seat, murmuring to himself, and appearing overly-excited with each passing contestant. Once the contestant wearing her volleyball uniform strode by, the judge no longer able to contain himself blurted out, “I GIVE IT A TEN!(holding all 10 fingers outstretched, flashing them emphatically), A F—— TEN! WOOOOOO. GET IT GIRL! I GIVE THEM ALL TENS!”
The contestant in the volleyball uniform, Little Miss Apple Bottoms, 18, recognizing Hardy as “that weird dude that comes to our games and always wants to videotape” quickly realized that playing to Hardy would benefit her chances of winning. Bottoms began what can only be described as making difficult volleyball maneuvers, at which point Hardy began having a heart attack.
“He kinda flailed around in his chair, and then tried to convince Little Miss Bottoms that he needed mouth-to-mouth,” said front-row viewer, Donna Haskins, “another contestant was trained in CPR and quickly told Bottoms he didn’t need it, that he was just “being a perv”, and to get away and give him air.”
Hardy is expected to be fine, as this time the self service kiosk correctly diagnosed his condition.
“What the hell you expect,” said Fairgoer, Donnie Avery, 47, “he’s a damn per-vert first of all, and you got all these damn youngins just running around with no clothes on, ‘cause they mama don’t have no control over them, lettin’ ‘em wear whatever the hell they want. I’m not even talking about this here pageant, I’m talkin’ ‘bout all these young girls walking ‘round with their ass hangin’ out their britches. It’s a damn underage meat market out here. But back to Hardy, who the hell thought it was a good idea to make him a judge in the first place?”
Another Fairgoer, Gerald Thompson, 46, who came with Avery to see some Massey Fergusons, commented to Avery, “I guess you got to consider the source, they got their mommas runnin’ ‘round our age thinkin’ they’re still young, but ain’t nobody tryin’ to see that. Hell, your damn ass crack is inhaling the inseam on your shorts there, my God. And let’s not talk about up top, you can tie it up any which kinda way you want to, but we both know it’s gone be like a freed bungie jumper the second you untie. Act respectful and put some damn clothes on!”
Fair Organizer, Randy Hunt, released a statement on behalf of the Fair, “We’d like to apologize for tonight’s pageant display with regards to Mr. Hardy. We had a stringent process in place to select these judges, which was first come, first serve. This gentleman showed great tenacity in wanting to serve as judge, so we felt that enthusiasm should be rewarded. We are aware at this time that we have erred in judgment, so we’d like to apologize to all contestants, parents, viewers and anyone else affected by tonight’s travesty.”
The Fair is expected to continue unmercifully through Saturday night.