Births
Leigh Z. Person expecting another child
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FRANKLIN – Franklin’s Welfare Queen, Leigh Z. Person, is expecting her ninth child after 27 years of “playing the field,” the Franklin Clinic announced Monday. The royal revelation came as Leigh Ziaz Person, was admitted to the Franktown Clinic with “baby fever.” She is expected to be there for several days, the Clinic’s announcement said, all on the taxpayers’ dime. |
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Clinic officials estimated Person to be about 4 weeks along in her pregnancy, which has made details of the conception a little foggy for Leigh. “The father could be anyone at this point, William was there that one night, but then it was David and Jeff the next day, who knows. And if they’re off by a few days, then its gets real fuzzy, cuz that was the weekend I went clubbin,” said Person.
The baby would be the ninth child from ten different fathers for Person. That’s not a misprint, as it was learned her seventh child, Verizon Wireless Person was sired by two fathers whose seeds morphed into a single strain, after Crazy James had no objections to sloppy seconds. The child is expected to increase Person’s monthly social security check balances from $4,790 to $6,000.
Person has yet to decide on a name, but plans to go with something subtle. “It’ll probably be a good family name, ya know, right now it’s between Cherry Kool-Aid Person and Virginia Slims Person, but ya never know.”
For those looking to send congratulations of flowers, alcohol or cigarettes, please forward all gifts to: Franktown Clinic, Room 143.
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Raleigh Huffington-Yorkshire Rockefeller
A precious most wonderful daughter was born to Howard Ellington Rockefeller and Ashley Haughtington Billingsly Rockefeller of the Rich Part of Franklin on Oct. 29, 2011, at Sentara Obici Hospital in Suffolk.
Raleigh Huffington-Yorkshire Rockefeller weighed 6 pounds, 13 ounces, and measured 19 inches. Just truly a prodigious bundle of joy which this world surely has never seen. She has been enrolled into the Einstein Murdoch School of the Arts, and received her endowments.
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Fanta’ Ne-hi Welch
A real little baby was born to Ms. Welch Aug. 29, 2011, at Sentara Obici Hospital in Suffolk.
If you were in the club around November of last year, and you was with me, you’re prolly the Daddy. Call Michelle at 569-3243 now.
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Anniversaries
Joneses celebrate 5 years of marriage
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WINDSOR—Leroy Jones, Jr. and Angela Jones will celebrate their 5th anniversary on Monday. The couple married Jan 30th, 2007 at The Beach. The groomsmen in their wedding were pretty hammered that day, and had been taking bets on how long they all thought it would last. “Oh man, I was so wasted that day,” the groom’s brother Timmy said. “Angie was always keeping Leroy from having fun, no way I thought it’d last more than a month. I bet she cheats on him too, she looks like she’d be the type.” |
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Angela’s Maid of Honor, Lexie, also felt doubts. “She was way too good for him, all he wanted to do was get drunk and lay out of work. Can’t believe she’d marry him, I heard she may have been pregnant. Who knows with her.”
Angela had a son two months later.
Leroy is a member of the country club, a bonafide dancing fool, and shoots a mean game of pool.
Angela has been active in her local neighborhood.
Their marriage continues to be a difficult one. Their children, friends, and all those who know them still have side bets going as to when the relationship will reach its demise. They thought two years ago would have been the final blow when Leroy caught Angela handling the FedEx guy’s package, but they seemed to have mended fences when it was learned she had never signed for it, so it was null and void. “Natty Light under the bridge,” said Leroy.
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Engagements
Story-Johnson
Mr. and Mrs. Glenn Story of Franklin announce the engagement of their son, Jeffrey Story, to Thomas Johnson.
He is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Johnson Johnson of New York, NY.
A graduate of Franklin High, Jeffrey was attending NYU studying fashion with a minor in male anatomy, apparently. He seemed like such a normal boy until he got up there with those liberal types.
His future husband is employed with the Arts Studio of New York, and writes for Ohmigodthat’stotallyfabulous magazine.
A December wedding is planned.
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Johnson – PoBoy
Jethro and Scottina Johnson of Franklin begrudgingly and disappointedly announce the engagement of their daughter Jethrina Jazmine to Justus PoBoy, son of Davis and Bena PoBoy of Franklin.
She is a 2009 honor graduate of Harvard University with a bachelor of arts degree in English, and she completed her master of business administration degree at Duke University in 2011. She has a very bright future ahead of her and it would be quite a shame for her to waste it with some simpleton, who has no drive in life. Johnson is employed as Vice President for Goldman Sachs.
The prospective groom is a 2008 GED recipient. PoBoy is currently unemployed and still lives with his parents, but “must have a huge #$%^” according to Scottina Johnson, “why else would she be with him?”
Nuptials are planned for September 29, 2012.
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Divorces
Bulls – Porch
Rodney Bulls and Andrea Porch divorced Saturday, January 14, 2011 along the Nottoway River at the Bronco Club in Franklin.
Verbal abuse could be heard coming from both parties, as they went their separate ways. “You’re a deadbeat piece of shit”, the wife uttered, as the husband could be heard saying, “At least I don’t wave my crotch at every man that walks past!”
A display of support was seen from both families, as they separated the couple and took part in the verbal disparaging also.
The couple has been booked on the Maury Povich Show this February to find out who the father of the child the now pregnant ex-wife is carrying. “I bet that’s Marcus’s kid you little slut!” the husband was overheard shouting.
A bonfire followed, symbolizing the three treacherous years of marriage.
The wife is the daughter of Lynnette Powell of North Carolina and the late Jay Powell, Sr., and is clearly past her prime.
The husband is the son of Joann and Dudley Richards of Franklin and the late Bob Carpenter, Sr. and Joann Bulls, and hasn’t held down a job in 5 years.
The wife wore the same jeans she wore as a teenager, only she’d gained 35 pounds since then, and her baby bump had began to show through her muffin top.
The lawyers hired by both parties were Lowell Stanley by the husband, and Huffman and Huffman by the wife. “That Lowell the Hammer Stanley is gonna make you pay, bitch!” said the husband. “Well, my lawyers have been lawyers for years, and brothers for even longer, so good luck asshole.”
The divorce is still being settled and the rights to the trailer and the 1985 Toyota Celica are still being ironed out.