Dear Clem,
I think that my neighbor may be using meth or even creating it in their trailer themselves. I’m not sure what to do or how to handle this.
Worried,
Trina J., Courtland, VA
Dear Trina,
Did you see the bust photo? I did, oh boy where to start! Was that your neighbor? It had to be! Shoo-wee!! First, I know I’m getting old, but I don’t understand this “meth” fad. It makes you look like I will in about ten years, which is 83 years old. But you’re 25, you really want to look like an 80-year-old with teeth and hair falling out? That’s really going to wreak havoc on your career when you go to interview for a job. Oh right, I forgot, you’re employed by the Super Sudafed! What are you escaping from? Did your Mom take away your Sega Genesis when you were 9? Quit being a pussy!
Now if you were standing out in your trailer park lot all morning in your moo-moo with your mouth agape as the “po-lease” haul off two of your neighbors, right now you’re probably talking to your trailer-park neighbor who’s been chain-smoking Pall Malls all morning in a pink bath robe, which everyone is certain is another 3 months away from being worn to the point of being transparent. I’m sure her husband is just itching with anticipation. And they say foreplay is dead! That is if he was ever conscious. I’m sure you all huddled around in disbelief that your neighbor, who never even bothered to wear a shirt, could be capable of such things. Well it was right there in front of you the whole time, you just didn’t take the time to put all the pieces together.
What kinda schedule do you have where putting on integral pieces of clothing isn’t on it? Well I got up today. That was it. That was the schedule. You slept in your shoes, socks, and shorts, you know, that you had on the day before, but you got so wasted you slept where you fell. You get up the next day, obviously didn’t brush your teeth or shower, ‘cause you’re a meth addict, and just go about your daily business sans shirt. This behavior continues until your comeuppance comes up, as not wearing a shirt is clearly asking for it. What are you thinking about? Clearly you aren’t or you’d have a damn shirt on. You don’t have enough common damn courtesy to throw on a shirt before you try to come into the 7-11 to buy a deuce-deuce? Show some respect, not even for me, but for yourself. Now you’re plastered on the front page with your pasty flabbiness for all to see. Thanks a damn lot. There’s no need to even go to trial. The prosecution will just state the defendant was shirtless and they’ll throw the book at him. He’ll spend the next 5-10 where he’ll learn the hard lesson of going shirtless in prison has definite consequences. Ouch!
Let me let you in on Clem’s law. When men go around without a shirt, bad things happen; When women go around without a shirt, usually good things happen. I know it, you’re sitting back right now, a little in shock, maybe even a little head nod to yourself saying, “that Clem is a G– D— genius!”
Things that happen when men don’t wear shirts: drug dealers standing on the corner, no service at gas stations, bad tattoos, guys brown-bagging it on the corner, Magic Mike, pro wrestling, exposed back hair, beer guts, meth lab cooking, rap videos, any episode of COPS where the assailant is being handcuffed on the ground. See, no good comes from this. And don’t you dare say Magic Mike was a good thing. Anything that gets my 70-year-old wife in the mood is not a good thing. That damn Channing Tatum shaking his crotch at all the women folk, getting’ ‘em all stirred up, and we’re the ones left having to deal with ‘em. Sorry son of a bitch!
I’m sure you sitting there, well gee Clem, that’s only half of your proof, where’s the rest? Fine, I’m really getting tired of spoon-feeding this ME generation that we’ve come to. Things that happen when women don’t wear shirts: Skinemax, topless beaches, strip clubs, Topless Thursdays at We Be Jammin (if it would only stop raining out), impeccable service by male attendants at gas stations, Showgirls, any episode of COPS where they let the topless woman go because it’d be a shame to lock them girls up, tramp stamps; I could go on and on, but you get the idea. You really don’t see topless women getting arrested, and for good reason, they make the world a better place, why it’d be like killing a mockingbird. Which I’m sure the reference is lost on all of you out there. It’s not like any of you would have read the book anyway, but they probably banned it before you had a chance because a character said “damn”. People are stupid. That’s Clem’s Law. Okay, People are Stupid is Clem’s Law I, this shirt thing is Clem’s Law II. You could argue Clem’s Law I encapsulates Clem’s Law II, and it kinda does, but dammit we need some clarification.
So the next time you’re out, take notice. If you see a man walking around without a shirt, it’s best to steer clear, unless you want to be signing a waiver later to have your face shown on the next episode of COPS. If you see a woman walking around topless, follow her around, but not too close, don’t want to get yourself arrested, but enjoy nature’s splendor. Well that’s my time, and good luck to all of you in search of a new meth dealer, and those in search of a new trailer park mate.