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Day: July 9, 2013

Newsoms Independence Day Parade Ruined

NEWSOMS—Brave residents from Newsoms, Windsor, Franklin and as far away as Como, N.C. came out to Main Street, Newsoms for what they thought would be a good time in the 9th Annual Fourth of July Parade.

Preliminary events included softball, a hot dog, sweet corn, and watermelon eating contest, where the winner, Tammy Dawkins downed 3 full-sized watermelons. It caused quite a stir among several children, after it was reported she had eaten several seeds, causing one little girl to cry out, “She’s gonna have watermelons growing in her belly now, and she’s already bigger than Grimace at the McDonald’s!”

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Ask Clem: Is it time to grow up?

Dear Clem,
I’m 28 years old and still like to party hard even though I have 4 kids at home. Do you think this is acceptable, or as some of my relatives say, is it time for me to grow up?
Fondly,
Andrea F., Windsor, VA

 

Dear Andrea,

I hope you had a good time last night. What with your drinking, carousing, and gettin’ shitfaced on a Wednesday. It’s a damn sorry sight to see if I say so myself. What am I talking about? Don’t you sass me, you ain’t too big to get a spankin’, that’s another lick for having a smart mouth.  First off how old are you? That’s right, too damn old to be out trying to relive your college glory days. Secondly, doesn’t your ass need to be at work at 9am tomorrow? Oh, you’ll be lookin’ real sporty showing up looking and smelling like death, but I’m sure you’ll probably call in tomorrow and blame it on your “sick” child so no one says anything. But most importantly, you’ve got youngins at home. You know, those things you like to pawn off on me when you’re feeling frisky, like I don’t have a damn thing to do? You know they know how to work this technology better than I do, that’s why we get the Skinemax blaring throughout the neighborhood. And I’m worried about that son of yours being queer, so I let him watch and hope some of it starts to sink in. But who can blame him when his closest example of a woman is off double-fisting brews bringing God knows what home. But yeah, you work 40 hours a week, you deserve to blow off some steam. Tear it up honey.

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