Dear Clem,
I feel that my children are using Facebook a little too much. Can you give me any advice?
Frustrated,
Nina S., Ivor, VA
Dear Nina,
I don’t know, what is so damn interesting about the Facebook? Whenever the Grandkids come over, it’s all they seem to want to do is go on there and type to those fake people on the screen. You got your real live Grandpa right here, ain’t that good enough for you? We’re in the middle of dinner and my 14-year-old granddaughter pulls out her phone. That’s another thing, what kind of world are we living in where a 14-year-old is important enough to have a phone? I told Ethyl we went wrong somewhere, kids had it too easy or something. You know what I did when I was 14? I worked 16 hours a day on the farm, and then if I had done everything, and I could still physically walk, I went and knocked on my friend’s door. We didn’t have telephones and internets, and facebooks, we had real face to face conversations.
Anyway, I’m getting off track, that could be another topic for another time. So back to my 14-year-old Facebooker. I asked her what’s so damn important that she couldn’t give me and her Grandma the time of day, and all she could do was hem and haw and say “just stuff Granddaddy.” So I tell her we gonna find out why this is so much more interesting than hearing about Ethyl’s bunion surgery.
So I pull out the Webtv keyboard and hook it up to the tv, and I tell the granddaughter to pull up her account. After threatening to give her what I like to call an Old Fashioned tail whippin’, she pulled up to the keyboard, and logged in.
What I saw next is beyond description. She begins to tell me, all the shit on her screen are people she’s friends with. After a thorough quiz, she could only tell me about half of these people. My granddaughter is gonna be on one of those To Catch a Predator shows, I just know it.
At the top of her what she calls a “feed”, was a picture of a girl my granddaughter’s age. It was a picture she snapped of herself on her way to school that morning, and she has her lips squished up like she’s a ugly duck or something. I guess she needed to document to everyone that she was in fact, heading to school. Then there was 21 thumbs up beside it, with people chiming in, “Cute”, or “Lookin’ Good Girl!” Seriously what the f— is this country coming to? Its bad enough that this girl thinks anyone gives two shits what she’s wearing, or about to do, but then to have people come up there and enable her to continue doing it in the future? I think I’ll start a facebook account and start snapping pictures of my stool, and see who I can get to like it. They’re both the same, pictures of stupid shit.
The next thing I noticed was a religious post. Now I believe in God and everything, but I’m not about to go out into the world spewing a bunch of drivel on the topic. Yes the Lord is good, but who are you trying to convince with your post, me or yourself? Such gems as, “yes the Lord has blessed me, he will provide! Last month our family needed a house, then we find this foreclosure that we could afford. Praise Jesus!” This is followed by 24 other people commenting on it, all saying the same thing. So I guess the family that’s out on the street now whose house got foreclosed on, isn’t sharing your sentiment right now? I’m not telling you to change your faith, I’m telling you to stop being so self-centered in your views about it, I saw the post below with your new BMW, I think it’s time God goes and blesses someone else.
Then it’s on to the next post where someone is selling something. I guess we interrupt this Facebook stalk to bring a message to you by Pampered Chef, or some fat wrap get-thin-in-a-week swindle. Hey, I’ve got an idea, how bout you girls get together and throw yourselves both parties at the same time. You walk into a pampered chef party, stuff your faces with bon bons and cookies or whatever the hell you eat at those things, then move on to the next room where you try the newest fad to hide what you are calling a muffin top. Let’s not kid ourselves ladies, you ate the whole muffin, not just the top.
Next up my granddaughter’s “bestie,” whatever the hell that is, feels the need to tell the world that she is now not in a relationship with Johnny Come Lately. Well wouldn’t you know, her status changed again, she’s now changed it to its complicated, and I’ll be… she took a self pic to commemorate the occasion. Lord what would I have done with myself today if I hadn’t known little Laura was wearing that green scarf with her lips poked out when little Jimmy complicated her love life?
Had enough yet? Well, the cherry on this sundae is that this facebook perusing led to my own daughter’s page. Oh, what tidbits we gleaned from that little encounter, I guess if you don’t friend your daddy, he can’t find out what you been up to. The rookie mistake was friending your little niece. I’m sure it’s a fine example you’re setting by posting pictures of yourself from burning man last summer where it was nothing but a layer of paint between yourself and the rest of the world. Or the picture of you on the back of that big, burly dude’s Harley. Oh, I’ve never been prouder, honey.
Coming from a generation where everyone minded their own business, this Facebook thing doesn’t seem to keen to me. I don’t get the draw of telling everyone what you had for lunch, who you’re screwing, and hey, isn’t my dog cute at the drop of a hat. Now you can’t sit down for a nice dinner without someone’s drama interluding. You’re better than this America.
Well that’s my time, I’ve got a pretty busy day of lounging and Cinemax watching to do, y’all keep it clean and off the Facebooks!