FRANKLIN/NEWSOMS/BOYKINS/IVOR/ EVERYWHERE – Area residents still coping with weed withdrawals got another punch to the gut Thursday, when an approaching Tropical Storm forced the cancellation of Franklin’s beloved We Be Jammin’.
“It’s been a tough week,” said one citizen, “first I’m scrambling to find another reputable dealer in this town, now I wake up this morning and figure, well, if I can’t toke up, at least I can get my drink on, spit some mad game at some of the local honeys, and groove to a lil’ Silver Street. But to find out they’ve cancelled that too? I guess I’ll go walk around Wal-Mart and put shit in people’s carts.”
Local town administrators fear what effect the sudden withdrawal from marijuana, cheap alcohol, and live music will have on its residents. “We have to speak out about the horrors of drugs and alcohol, as its expected of us,” said Franklin mayor Whatever Her Name Is, “but the truth of the matter is – – and this is off the record okay, don’t you go putting my name in your paper by this quote – – getting drunk and high gives people something to do, something to focus on, and it often leads to them sitting down in a chair and not moving for 8 hours. That’s a good thing. When you remove that aspect, all of a sudden you get people walking around, in need of a fix but no outlet to get it from, and that leads to crime, divorce, and all too often, pregnancy. We need drugs and alcohol to keep the commoners medicated and harmless.”
Local merchants have also seen volatility in sales in the past week. Newsoms staple, Drake’s Supermarket, saw a giant increase in the sale of Natty Ice, Miller High Life, Steel Reserve, and Schlitz Malt Liquor. “We just can’t keep it in stock, folks are just replacing one vice with the other,” said store clerk Donna Sales. “But with the increase in consumption of terrible beer, we’ve seen the bottom fall out on hot dogs and Sun Drop sales. Guess no one’s got the munchies anymore. Oh, and Black and Mild’s are without a doubt a hot seller right now. Some folks just need something to be in between their lips, they just don’t care what it is. Guess Freud was right.”
With reports of heavy rain fast approaching, a determined Carl Thomas, quickly called upon his fellow Red Barn loiterers to report for duty. Speaking through his interpreter, Thomas gave a rousing speech to his crew about the upcoming storm. “We got some fierce rain and winds a comin’ into town here right quick like,” said Thomas. “We ain’t gon’ get surprised like we did here last time the floods came, and see all our ladyfriends flailing around in pools of water like it’s the sinking of the Titanic. Naw sir, first thing we fittin’ to do is turn our raft into an ark, see. We gon’ save them honeys, so we can keep this world goin, and have enough Schlitz to last us a month if we have to.”
Upon hearing his impassioned speech, his fellow loiterers sprang into action by downing enough Schlitz to float half the residents in Boykins if need be. “Just people helpin’ people,” said Thomas. Carl estimated the newly-built Schlitz ark would be completed just in time before the flood waters rise later today and submitted a photo showing his accomplishment. “Ain’t nothing makes me sadder than seeing one of them ladies I whistle at when they go in the Red Barn, stuck out in the middle of Main Street surrounded by water, and can’t do nothin’ ‘bout it. We fittin’ to have some ladies on this cruise, yes sir!”