Well Tiffany and I have been busy. We did two, three-day, 12-hour shifts back-to-back to cover Myron’s lazy trifling self recently, who called out twice in four days. Once because he said he had explosive diarrhea, yet 3 hours later I see him on my Facebook feed at the Darius Rucker concert. You’re a damn liar Myron. Maybe Jonathan wants a little Wagon Wheel in his life too? And let’s not talk about the hangover symptoms as a result that caused you to miss the next day. I’d steer clear, Myron.
Anyway, on May 21th through the 23rd we had a little problem on our hands. It seems some jokester took it upon himself to go upper-decker on no less than 5 of our toilets. More questions arose from this than anything, as to how one person could seemingly have that much doodie to amass enough for 5 upper-deckers! And no, it wasn’t a group effort, they clearly acted alone, as the color and consistency were the same throughout, and yes I checked my copy of “Is This Going to Be a Fart of Just a Full-On Shart?” So yes, while Hootie was out there begging you to Hold his Hand, Myron, I was alone scraping turds out of the upper decks of the toilets. But to the person that did it, thank you. You really made my Saturday night. You really couldn’t do it in the women’s room so Tiffany would have to clean it?
The shopping on this shift was just fair. As I’m sure all of you are well aware, the store is a mess. We’re undergoing a much needed facelift and for once the employees genuinely don’t know where things are, whereas before, they totally knew, they just didn’t want to help you. Middle Upper Lower Management tells me that this is apparently Wal-Mart’s response to the obesity epidemic. By narrowing the aisles, I guess they’re thinking if your fat ass can’t get down the candy aisle you can’t buy candy. We’re just doing our part to combat obesity.
Of course, not everyone is an over-sized wide-load, but a mid-sized wide load. We’ve all been behind them. People that are in no hurry, walking just far enough in the middle of the aisle where you can’t pass to the right or left, and the quicker you want to go, the slower they get. I’m pretty sure they do it on purpose. Then if you try to squeeze past them, they get huffy with you like you’re in their way. These aisles must be an answered prayer to them. Yes, just like Darlington, you have to respect the aisle, since going two-wide will result in a bad day quickly.
It was kind of an aggravating shift as the weather has gotten very warm. This trip was like going to the zoo. Rarely have I seen and was able to film so many different species of Virginia and North Carolina natives. I saw a bald head red, a ringtail, to my pleasant surprise – a fox, then unfortunately a beaver and many snakes, a musky buck-tooth, some unlucky ducks and a tom turkey. There might be more, I don’t know if I can remember all of them, but these I got pictures of or film of. I also spent a lot of time dodging un-tethered nipples that were swinging out from under unkempt Hanes wifebeaters. If I could get the government to stop the production of this travesty of a garment, I would. Nothing good ever came from someone in a wifebeater. Look at the name. It got that moniker because back in the day, in all the old movies, when the wife got too uppity to her man, she got the broadside of a hand, see! Then he’d go back to his smoke and reading the Times. And they call those the good ole days. I’m not sure that’s the answer Wynonna expected to get when she asked Grandpa to tell her ‘bout the good ole days. Now it’s bird-chested teens and women going braless wearing them. It’s time to end this blight on American fashion.
Now for the second shift of the patrol. Darrell and I worked on the 25th though the 27th. The weather had cooled back down so we got some relief from the war on wifebeaters. It was a very nice shift until nighttime at about 10 when all the bored hicks were out and abundant. However, I use a product called soap and they never came near me.
This shift the shopping was pretty light, though we did have one customer who kept entertaining himself by putting strange items in people’s carts. I caught on quick to what he was doing, but didn’t bother stopping him. Instead I told him I admired his work and told him where to find the real embarrassing stuff. He did get pretty brave and started putting some big items in people’s carts like a cooler and a boogie board. The funniest thing he did was to an elderly couple. My new prodigy put a bottle of boxed wine, some ‘his and her personal lubricant’ and a box of magnums into their cart when they weren’t looking. The elderly woman seemed appalled but I could tell the elderly gentleman was going to go with it. His azalea eyebrows were saying, “Hey, if I play my cards right…” Then, the woman turned and smacked the old man in the arm, I guess just for being an old man. See what you all have to look forward to?
Anyway, my bosses over at the Jivewater tell me I have to step up my game now since we have like ten people reading now instead of four. They must not realize I get paid by the hour, and very little at that. Well that’s my time, Myron finally got his ass to work so I can go home now. And if you’re wondering, calling in twice gets you promoted at Walmart, not fired. You really are new here aren’t you?