Convictions: 06-01-2013

CHESTER HARDY, 30, 3 counts of indecent exposure 

(You’re once…twice…three times exposing your dangler…and making everyone puke. Thanks Lionel for stopping by!)

GAT THOMAS, 27, capias x 3

(Ain’t no courtroom that can hold him, he got shit to do. They trying to run him in there to make him pay some trifling child support. He ain’t even know that girl, she trippin!)

BECKY WHITEHEAD, 32, harass emergency personnel, cause phone to ring

(…911 Emergency, How may I help you? Hello….. my boyfriend’s left me for some whore…… he said I have thunder thighs, he’s been cheating for awhile…your voice sounds kinda sexy, can I go out with you? Lionel Richie again! Wow folks.)

ANDRE LEWIS, 26, grand larceny, possession of stolen property with intent to sell

(I knew that guy selling that ’94 LeSabre out on Pretlow for $1,000 was too good to be true. When he told me the title was at his momma’s house that should have been another red flag. But a bargain is a bargain, title or not)

WILLIE SMOKE, 35, attempt to possess controlled substance

(I’m actually failing to see the actual crime here by Mr. Smoke. Sure he wanted that nose candy. He wanted it something fierce. But I never knew it was a crime to TRY to possess something, but not actually possess said it. I mean if they’re gonna bust it, shouldn’t they hand it to you in the backseat of the car and get your money’s worth?)

RYAN BIN DRINKEN, 20, under age possession of alcohol 

(He fought for his country, served a tour in Afghanistan, came back home for a little R & R, and Johnny Law busted him for a having a beer. He and Willie Smoke could have had a hell of a party, but the feds don’t want you to have a good time. Dammit Obama.)

MURPHY JONES, 21, attempted forcible sodomy, rape

(What goes around comes around, enjoy your stay-cation in one of our fine correctional facilities when your “rights” are traded to Bubba for a pack of Black & Mild’s, and three Newport cigarettes. Ouch.)

MELTON TRISH, 25, destruction of property, maliciously throw a missile at an occupied vehicle

(Melton didn’t just throw a missile at an occupied vehicle, he maliciously threw that missile. Big difference. See what had happened was, this girl had relations with his boy, but she’s acting like it’s his kid, so being the upstanding friend that he is, Melton decided it was best to show his loyalty by maliciously throwing his empty Corona bottle at that bitch’s car. If only we all had good friends like Melton, just think about how much better this world would be.)

TIMMY MANE, 20, 7 counts, distribution of cocaine 

(If you wanna hang out, you got to take her out, Cocaine. You just had to make that seventh deal didn’t you Timmy? Getting yourself snatched up off the street. Wait ‘til Stringer finds out, he will not be pleased.)

BJ THOMAS, 24, drunk in public 

WILLY DRINKIN, 34, drunk in public, resist arrest 
WILBERT CUNNINGHAM, 20, driving while intoxicated 
ROBERT R. CROCKETT, 31, drunk in public 
TINA HUNTER, 34, disorderly conduct, indecent exposure
URELL. ROBINSON, 29, urinating in public 
CLINTON FEELGOOD, 28, possession with intent to distribute controlled substance 
JACK DANIELS, 31, drinking in public 
JIM BEAM 35, drinking in public 
JOSE CUERVO, 29, drinking in public 
EARL E. TIMES, 18, drunk in public 
(And the party of the year goes to the party at the Wal-Mart Parking Lot on 5/27. We’ll be back this weekend.)

JOHN JOHNS JR., 79, assault and battery 
(Clearly this wasn’t a fair fight. First of all, he doesn’t have any teeth, so there’s none to knock out. Secondly, who throws down with a 79 year old? You can’t win, either you whip a 79 year old man, which congrats, you beat up great grandpa, or you get whipped by a 79 year old man. I hope whoever he was fighting, they were far apart, so JJ Jr was telling whoever he was gonna kick their ass, then he uses his walker to move the necessary 30 feet to get in range. Then he proceeds to throw his walker out of the way, make a remark about his opponent being young, cuss about his generation not respecting his elders, and proceeds to whip his ass. Why can’t we have this as a way to raise money for causes? I don’t want to walk in a damn circle all day, but I’ll lay $25 on Gramps in the name of curing colon cancer.)