NEWSOMS- Anyone in The Home of the Jumbo Peanut hoping to get a little puff, puff, pass going this weekend will have to venture (carefully) to Boykins at the very least, as a giant “drug” bust in the Newsoms area has left hundreds of residents without their marijuana.
The bust, led by Troopers Stanley Johnson and Moe Parr, revealed a fledgling weed distribution network that stretched clear across the entire Statesville area. “We’d gotten word that a Newsoms man had rented each season of the television show Weeds from the local library,” said Trooper Parr. “From our familiarity with the series, we knew they were using the series to learn how to grow their own marijuana. We brought in the dogs, quickly tracked the perp to a stash house out in the sticks, and made our arrests. It was a textbook takedown.”
Newsoms mayor Hugh Legume was shocked by the news, and when pressed on why his prestigious town cops weren’t able to make the arrests or make the connections, was only able to muster, “our town police provide a service to our citizens. Nabbing speeders going 37.2 in a 35mph zone is Priority #1. If these wild maniacs would stop driving through our fair little town at breakneck speed, we’d have time to nab the little pot growers, but we can’t be expected to do both.”
(Editor’s note: our Jivewater News crew was tested for DUI and issued a ticket for reckless driving due to tires touching the white line upon entering the city limits at half past noon on a Wednesday.)
The marijuana bust could not have come at a worse time for several Newsoms residents. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do,” said elderly marijuana user Gertrude Powell. “I take it to relieve my joint pain and glaucoma, but now I’m gonna be hurtin all weekend. Go on down to Drake’s and get a case of Natty Ice, I reckon.”
A teenager, who wished to remain anonymous so “his moms” wouldn’t find out, was also in disbelief. “I called my boy and was like dude, our dealer’s on the TV, and he was all like, “shit, what are we gonna do man?” and I was all like, “I don’t know, we were supposed to make those brownies this weekend and listen to Phish all night.” So he’s all like, f— it man, I’ll go get some of that sticky icky from Franklin. It’s shit, but it’s really all we got.” So I’m like alright dude. So it’s probably half trash and sticks but what you gonna do man? Damn fuzz.”
Other residents took a more laid back approach to news. Never one to shy away from an opinion, Buck Wild who was in the Newsoms area on Thursday eradicating all the coyotes, quipped, “Now look, y’all brought this on yourselves. I make my own whiskey and my own smoke too, there ain’t too many things this ole boy can’t do. Need to stop depending on everyone else to get your fix, and hell naw you can’t come mess in my stash! That’s sum bullsheit right there.”
Other residents saw it as an opportunity to make wisecracks. “Move over Jumbo Peanut… and make room for The Giant Doobie!” said Newsoms resident Thomas Greene.
The outage has already had its affect in the Boykins area. Carl Thomas, who spoke through his translator, weighed in on the matter, “Ima tell you what, I seen more people go duckin ‘round the back of this here Red Barn in the past four hours than I seen all last week. Shit prolly is oregano for all they know. If this sumbitch floods again, I ain’t taking all these mofos on my raft, Naw sir.”
News of the bust quickly spread to music legend and renowned bud enthusiast Willie Nelson who took to Twitter about the news, stating, “Stay strong Newsoms, I’m with you and know that I will be doing a benefit concert for you very soon, and we’ll roll one up with your Uncle Willie! #blazeitup #halfbaked #needanothertoke”
The weed outage is expected to be temporary as experts say that with Newsoms now without a supplier, its weed market is just waiting to be exploited. Carl Thomas as always, summed up the dilemma, stating, “Drug dealers come and go, but people gots to have they fix, this shit ain’t goin’ nowhere.”