Shitonya and I spent the 28th through the 20th in the Franklin Wal-Mart.
Lots of customers were high, as with the first of the month hitting, everyone and their baby momma had gotten their check, and had cash to burn. I wish I could say I was glad to finally get back on the job, as it’s been about eight weeks since I last roamed the store. I was sent to sensitivity training because of my recent run-ins; it’s just Wal-Mart covering their rears for the future. Oh well. I had to sign a bunch of papers, saying I was cured, and that I wouldn’t use Boone’s Farm as a weapon in the future, you know, the typical stuff.
Anyway, they shoulda named this place the Beaver Hole. As all of you know, Mardi Gras is a big hit down South. Well, this year, its reach has seemed to include Franklin, as I’ve seen more tattooed and stretch-marked ta-tas than I can recall or care to see this week. Years ago, people had standards, but now not so much. There was this one lady, who put the Fat in Fat Tuesday, and couldn’t understand why we didn’t want to accept cash that she wrangled from underneath her “flaps.” Let’s just say there was a dampness on those bills that can’t be described to the uninitiated. Then there were other big ones like you don’t see on TV, for Girls Gone Wild, you know, the ones they cut out. But no, we get your typical hoodrat, trashed out type where they use a cheap blond hair dye with dark roots everywhere, along with a oversized Tweety Bird t-shirt that’s been ripped in the front, you know, ‘cause that shirt fit me fine in High School, it should fit me fine 15 years later even though my left and right mud flaps have their own zip codes.
We are in that kinda transition period right now between winter and spring. The shopping is usually pretty tough through this period, and then it just explodes and everyone starts buying. Christmas wiped everyone out. Now one week there’s Valentine’s candy, then Easter candy, then you damn sure better get something for Momma. Go to the card aisle the Saturday before Mother’s day, you can’t walk on it. If you waited until the last minute last year like I did, your mom got a “To my wonderful, beautiful black Mother” card from the Hallmark Mahogany collection. A fine card no doubt, but for those of who can’t tell by my picture, my mom isn’t black, so you can imagine the confused look she gave me upon receiving it. Just a friendly heads up on that one.
Really though, I spent most of my time picking up trash people had left on the aisles. All that traffic from the first of the month will wreak havoc on a store’s neatness. The trash was about as bad as I have seen in a long time. For starters, you had the usual, let’s leave the high dollar steaks on the baby food aisle, to sit out and spoil, ‘cause God forbid you walk back over the 30 feet or so and put it back in the cold case. Furthermore, if you’re buying diapers, you probably can’t afford steak to begin with, this must be your first time.
At least the steaks were still wrapped. I picked up two large opened packs of souse loaf, which to my dismay, had already been gnawed on by some critter. So let’s rehash for a second. You’re in a grocery store. You’ve committed to the idea that you’re gonna take something off the shelf, open it without paying for it, and have your own personal taste test, and then discard the unwanted portion in the feminine products aisle. There are hundreds of tasty things to eat, but your discriminating tastes have you hankering for some souse? I guess I shouldn’t complain, if anything is likely to remain unsold, it’s probably souse.
What stunned me about this shift was the large amount of household trash. Like the Styrofoam things that chicken comes in. Apparently some of you used your local Wal-Mart as a picnic area, and just left your trash for me to find. I hope we don’t get bears now. We also had laundry detergent bottles and stuff like that, and also a bunch of lighters, blunt containers, and syringes. Yes, Franklin, you have a drug problem. If you see a guy with a belt tied around his bicep and he’s unresponsive on the alcohol aisle, just let him be, he would have wanted this.
After cleaning up all that nasty stuff, I’d decided that was enough for the month and called in sick the next few days. Even though I put everything back and tidied everything up, I can’t promise you that the next time you’re in the store, you won’t turn the corner to find an open double deuce sitting in the DVD bargain bin. Shop at your own risk!