SOUTHAMPTON COUNTY—Rather than create a bounty program for coyotes, the Southampton County Board of Supervisors took their most devoted meeting-attendant’s advice Thursday, and commissioned Mr. Buck Wild to control the coyote population.
County Supervisor, Haydin DeSand, said the board decided that a bounty would not be needed with Buck Wild on the case. “We looked at it real hard tonight in our 30 second huddle, and were quite taken by Mr. Wild’s impassioned speech,” said Supervisor DeSand. “We decided the greatest threat to Cay-oats wasn’t a public bounty, but Buck Wild and his high-powered automatic rifle. This eliminates us from having to determine if a cay-oat was actually killed in the county, and who would destroy the carcasses and who gets paid for it. Mr. Wild offered to do it for free, as his civic duty, and he gets all the cay-oat meat he can eat!”
During the meeting, Buck Wild stood up, as all in attendance immediately put their face in their hands and groaned. Wild then voiced his case for becoming “Buck Wild: Coyote Slayer.” “Dis is sum bullsheit right here™,” said Wild. “We got these gawdern ‘yotes running wild through our countryside, threatenin’ our way of life, our chirren, our crops, our dawgs, our critters, and my wife, and we just sit by waitin’ fer them to vanish all by demselves. ‘at ain’t gon happen folks. I’d like to stand here, ‘fore you tonite, and offer my services to end this menace. I’m gon be out there with my Bessie, scope and all, taking out them gawdern things two at’a time. I don’t wan’t your fancy city money. Got no use fer it. I just take all the ‘yote meat I can eat, dem some tasty vittles. Thank ya.”
Growing concern among residents led the Board to act. Debbie Downer, of Courtland, doesn’t feel safe with the growing coyote population. “I live in the neighborhood, and I’ve seen these Coyotes in broad daylight!” said Downer. “One woman even had a few as a pet, and she’s just walking these coyotes down the street like its nothing. I immediately went in my home and locked all the doors, knowing full well coyotes have evolved to turn knobs. Can’t be too careful in a mixed neighborhood!”
Downer was rebuked by her neighbor Jerry Thomas, however. “That was Mrs. Jones walking her damn Huskies, you old racist woman! I can’t do nothing with these folks!”
The Virginia Department of Game and Inland Fisheries places no restriction on the type of weapon or caliber used to hunt coyotes, as long as it’s done humanely, said Aaron Proctor, regional wildlife biologist with the Virginia Department of Department of Game and Inland Fisheries. (Editor’s note: Once Buck Wild seemed to identify Mr. Proctor as part of the Gamewarden’s crew, he disappeared, so we were unable to get a quote from Mr. Wild about his appointment.) He added bows and arrows might also be used, but he offered that the Spear (see story here) is the most highly regarded weapon of choice. “You’re gonna want that spear. Believe me, when it comes down to it, when one bullet costs $99, you can’t find a gun the government hasn’t restricted, and Orlando Bloom isn’t around to show you the proper bow and arrow technique, you’re gonna wish you had that spear with you.”
Buck Wild wasted no time as Coyote Slayer, heading straight to the woods after the meeting. In the 12 hours since his appointment, he has killed 15 Gawdern ‘yotes. Mmm, we can smell that Cay-Oat Stew brewin’ now!