OPRAH’S COUCH – In a riveting sit-down interview last week, Oprah Winfrey grilled Lance Armstrong on his doping, deception, and behavior as he won some bicycle races in tight shorts. We here at The Jivewater News have found a missing segment that was un-aired to the public, and bring it to you here in this transcript.
The contents of this transcript may be shocking. Reader discretion is advised:
Picking up in the middle of the interview:
Oprah: You slept with Sheryl Crow?
Armstrong: Indeed I did.
Oprah: That must have been hard for you with one testicle.
Armstrong: Oh, I have two. Never had cancer, just a ruse to get donations for my habit.
Oprah: Why Sheryl?
Armstrong: She had street cred, you know. She was mainstream enough that people would know her, but seems folksy enough to fight for the little man. She was perfect.
Oprah: So she was a stalwart in bed?
Armstrong: I wouldn’t go that far, she had this annoying habit of turning all the picture frames away from the bed beforehand, and I’m not sure its ever a good idea to get down with your own soundtrack in the background. Yeah, she’s ok I guess.
Oprah: Everyone, look under your seats! I’m giving you Sheryl Crow’s Greatessssst Hiiiiiiiiiiiits!!
(Women all rejoice in applause then struggle mightily to reach under their chairs to retrieve the CD. Ultimately half give up the attempt after 15 seconds and retrieve a Twix bar from their purse to comfort their failure. We now rejoin the interview already in progress.)
Oprah: But that wasn’t the whole story, was it Lance?
Armstrong: You know me all too well Oprah. The truth is my manhood is 100% prosthetic. I’m actually a little boy down there from all the juicing. There, you’ve cut to my core, Oprah.
Oprah: But you didn’t stop there did you Lance? You wanted to make someone else feel your pain for being a closeted female.
Armstrong: Please don’t make me do this.
Oprah: It’s no secret you’re a Texas Longhorn fan, and the only threat to the Texas’ supremacy is the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.
Armstrong: I hate those f—– Irish fans. They’re so obnoxious. Think they’re too good to be in a conference, walking around with their independent status, they needed to be taken down a peg or two.
Oprah: Tell us what you did Lance.
Armstrong: I thought we were just going to talk about my doping, how did you find out about this?
Oprah: I’m Oprah, Lance! I’m all knowing. I make people’s careers, hell I made Barack Obama from my bare hands! What makes you think I don’t know about your little secret?
Armstrong: Ok, you’ve beaten me. This was all working out so perfectly. This poor Teo kid gets news broken that he had a fake girlfriend for 3 years to take the heat off me. It was all an elaborate plan, and it was working to perfection until you came along.
Oprah: You thought you could use ME, Lance? It doesn’t work that way, child!
Armstrong: I know that now. It all started 3 years ago out in California, you know, where people don’t question your body parts so much, they just accept whatever’s down there, male or female, or either or, they’re just happy to grab onto something. Strange culture.
Oprah: Oh, I’ve seen gay town Lance, you don’t have to paint a picture for me.
Armstrong: Right, well, like I said, Notre Dame needed to be put in its place, so I scoured Notre Dame’s roster looking for its most gullible looking player. He had to be young, to let this play out, and give the plan time to breath. When Notre Dame came to play Stanford that season, we hired this Hawaiian looking escort to pose as this interested girl. She ended up meeting Manti Teo and gave him my cell phone number.
Oprah: So it’s true, Teo did actually believe he met this girl?
Armstrong: Yeah, he was the fall guy. Guy plays football, no way he’d remember her features. He just got done banging his head 50 times against human brick walls, and we’re worried about me taking a few drugs to ride a bicycle?
Oprah: Don’t change the subject!
Armstrong: Fine, so anyway, he calls me up, and with my manhood ravaged by my abuse, my voice has gotten pretty feminine, so we strike up nightly conversations. Dude was pretty lonely, I mean, he’d leave the damn phone on all night, I’ve got Sheryl beeping on the other line, and this kid is crying into the other end about how his head hurts.
Oprah: So this went on for 3 years?
Armstrong: Yes, for 3 years, every night, I was a college boy’s sweetheart.
Oprah: What about the conflicting stories about you meeting Manti, and others saying you didn’t?
Armstrong: We met several times, again the head injuries leave a distorted perception of memories. It’s sad even. Living a lie, and a double life is quite taxing. I wasn’t there for Manti physically, the way he deserved, so I made up that I had Leukemia, so we wouldn’t have to do it as much.
Oprah: So at this point, you’ve lied about doping, lied about testicular cancer, lied about being a female, and lied about leukemia. Why did you do this Lance?
Armstrong: It was to throw the heat off of me. Some pretty damning things were said about me when this all started, so the idea was that I’d finally come clean, but right before I was set to tell all, we’d drop this bombshell that was so strange and bizarre it would quickly make everyone forget about Lance Armstrong. And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you, Oprah.
Oprah: Oprah always gets her man Lance, you hear me?
Armstrong: Oh, I know that now, this chair makes you powerless.
Oprah: It should, it’s soaked in truth serum. You have to be one of the most despicable athletes to ever grace that chair.
Armstrong: You must haven’t interviewed Ray Lewis then. Dude kills two people, gets away with it, then dances like a jackass at every home game, and somehow gets Saint status. Look, I’m an athlete, and what athlete isn’t an athlete long without taking some advantages? The first thing to do when in a sport is to learn the rules, the second thing you do is learn to break those rules without getting caught. Seven times I was the best at that second thing. Have I faked some cancer scares, and slept with other men for personal gain, while wrecking others lives along the way? Sure I have, but at least I never was complicit in a murder.
Oprah: Don’t you dare bring Ray Ray into this! Director, bring out the nipple clamps, this interview is about to get real, and let’s strike these last few minutes, this needs to be sold to the highest bidder.