FRANKLIN – Leroy Jones, 54, has lived in Franklin his entire life. In his 54 years, he had never seen such a drastic change in Franklin’s population, than he did on Monday, December 31, 2012. “Well, I woke up, got dressed, smacked my wife on the ass while she was cooking’ up them grits, and sat down to read the newspaper on the front porch,” said Jones. “I’m readin’ ‘bout this Cliff guy everyone says gone f— up the nation, when I seen the first one. I didn’t think much of it, but a couple minutes later, two more come past, and then five minutes later a whole car full of ‘em, flags twirlin’ and horns a blowin’ ride through this town like they owned it. I ain’t never seen such.” Jones quickly went into his house and called City Hall.
Jones was not the only concerned citizen to call on Monday. Franklin City Hall estimates it received an estimated 300 calls all with regards to the new nuisance to Franklin. The unrest prompted Franklin mayor, Ray Thompson, to address his citizens immediately.
“Recently, we have seen an unprecedented invasion,” said Thompson. “As I’m sure you have heard, around midnight last night, when the invasion is believed to have started, hundreds of closeted Redskin fans came out of the woodwork. Before we could act, thousands of moth-balled Starter jackets from the 90s, old Darrell Green jerseys, plastic hog noses, and recently purchased but not yet worn Robert Griffin III jerseys were out and about, suffocating our great town. We consider these people a grave threat to our way of life in Franklin. We have tried to reason with these people but as of yet have had no breakthroughs. At this time, we are advising our citizens to stay in your homes, as this episode is likely to blow over in a week’s time, as I’ve called in assistance from Seattle to help with this matter.”
Many citizens believed there was a parade going on. “I was working a shift at Wal-Mart,” said local celebrity, Jonathan the Wal-Mart Greeter. “I look out beyond the parking lot, and like 15 cars, all with those dual flag things flying in the wind, were just cruising around the strip like it was theirs. I saw all of them come in here at midnight last night and buy up the whole Redskins section. They think nobody knows they haven’t cared about the Skins in years.”
“It’s all that damn Romo’s fault,” said another concerned citizen and pitbull owner, Talita Howell. “He sucks, letting them damn Redskins win. I tell you what they need to do, they need to trade his sorry ass, and get Vick. He’ll get ’em straight. Get Vick behind that line and he be all they need.”
Pastor Ezekial Muhammed, of the Precious Baby Jesus Happy Fun Time Church, found the invasion to be unsettling. “I look out at my congregation, and I see a great divide forming. Our church service runs every Sunday from 10 AM to 4 PM. Every Sunday, I see half my congregation leave at 12:30, to seek what they are calling their New Savior. This RG3 they call him. They speak of the miracles he performed, the healing of his whiplash’ed knee after only a week. I told my congregation, don’t follow these false idols. Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”
The “invasion” has brought a boom to some local markets however. I.B. Fleecin, owner of the local thrift store was able to go home early for the new year, after she turned a record profit from Redskins sales. “It’s kinda funny,” said Fleecin, “these people brought in all this crap (Redskins stuff), and it’s just sat here on the shelf for a good 20 years. I would have gotten around to tossing it all out, but I’m somewhat of a packrat. Anwyay, the same people that brought this stuff in here for free years ago, have come back in and paid generous amounts to repurchase their goods.”
Jasper Higgenbottom, once again being the voice of reason, calmly summed up the chaos, stating, “Look, this happens all the time. People are too afraid to own up to anything and truly participate in something. No one wants to go through the valleys, they just want to join the peaks. That would involve a real investment and character. To you real fans out there, you know who you are, enjoy it, dammit, you deserve it. The posers run with the winning teams; if Virginia Tech has won 10 games in the fall, they are VT ‘til they die, if not, they’re donning UNC gear for the basketball season until they get ousted by a Kentucky team chock full of Semi-pros. Then it’s on to the Yankees or Red Sox, you know, whichever is closer to the pennant. For now, it’s the Skins. This too shall pass. …Now about all those Mexicans.”