FRANKLIN—The Mayan calendar prophecy has caused a great deal of chattering and speculation for the past few years. Doomsdayers have spent the past few months stockpiling their bunkers with Spam and other nonperishable meat-like items, as well as Twinkies, which are going for about $200 a twink now, thanks to the shuttering of Hostess. Spam has seen its stock price climb 300% since 2011.
Some have tried to benefit from the chaos, including Tommy Peters, 20, of Franklin, who has been trying to get his girlfriend to give him “some” for months. Peters saw the 21st as an opportunity, stating, “I just told her, Look girl, the world’s gonna end in like a week, don’t make me go out with blue balls.”
Others, in the “liberal” media, claim there is nothing to fear, and that whacked out nutjobs are the only types that would fall for such a retarded mentally challenged idea. The Mayan calendar has also caused infighting in the Calendar industry, with several companies having the audacity to include December 22-31 on their 2012 Cute Lab Puppies and Sexy Firefighters with Large Hoses calendars.
To find out if the 21st was truly the end of Earth as we know it, The Jivewater News sought out local historian Reed N. Cipherin of PDCCC, for a definitive answer. “Well, there’s a couple schools of thought here, one of which is complete hogwash,” said Cipherin. “First off, the Mayans wrote this thing hundreds of years ago, so keep that in mind. Secondly, their calendar expert, Ah Cuxtel, was renowned for his accuracy. With precision, he was able to predict the perfect time to the day, for sacrificing virgins, goats, the proper time to plant cannibis, you name it. So, he wouldn’t make a mistake.”
Cipherin did not stop there however, as leaving his statement at that would seem to indicate we’re all f—–. Cipherin continued to delve into the psyche of Cuxtel. “Now this Cuxtel guy, he was quite a character,” continued Cipherin. “During the day, he was this calendar making savant, but at night, he was a card. Not many people know this, but he was the Godfather of the “pull my finger” flatulence move, and was constantly chasing after Mayan strange. He was also the first to put half naked women in his calendars, making him rich beyond belief. So you have to remember, this jokester and womanizer probably had more things on his mind than calendars. It seems reasonable to me that, one of two things occurred here, neither of which spell the end of the world for us.”
Cipherin’s first theory on what went on with the Mayan Calendar, is supported by James T. Thurgood, of ITT Technical Institute. “After reading Mr. Cipherin’s work, I had a hunch is first theory was correct. After an extensive Google search in which I used advanced settings, and taking classes for a few short months, I can come to the final conclusion that Cuxtel stopped at December 21, 2012, because he wanted to f— with the scholarly white man. Cuxtel realized that hey, I’ll never live that long, why the hell am I still writing this crap out? I’ll stop on a random day in December to make white people freak out over nothing. It was his greatest, last, and extremely slow played, final prank,” said Thurgood.
Cipherin’s other theory, also pokes holes in the Doomsday prediction, and is supported by Helena Earth, of DeVry University. “It was clear to me what’s going on here,” said Earth, “he was tired of writing out meaningless dates to him, and a Mayan woman with “Putalicious” written out across the back of her inappropriately snug and revealing loin cloth walked past and caught his fancy. Then he probably forgot about it, and decided that chasing loose Mayan women was a much more enjoyable lifestyle. Or he could have just run out of paper.”
Whichever theory you choose to believe, Cipherin believes both are quite plausible, and that in either case, the world is not going to end on December 21, 2012. “It’s for quite certain the world has really gone to hell lately. There’s no disputing that, but fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, that Bathroom on the right Mr. Fogarty spoke of is coming up December 22nd. Now if you really want to know when the world is going to end, you should look into the Aztec calendar.”