If you’ve turned on the TV lately (and judging by America’s waistlines, you have), or if you’ve checked the mailbox in the last 3 months, you’ve been swarmed by political ads.
Candidate A accuses Candidate B of having a tiny johnson.
Candidate B: “Nu’uh, you got a tiny johnson, I’ve had a huge johnson since day one, check my track record.”
Candidate A: “Candidate B says he’s had a huge johnson since day one, well we checked the facts, being a huge dick doesn’t make you HAVE a huge dick, so I guess Candidate B is lying. What else has Candidate B lied about?” Endorsed by Candidate A.
The ads are unending, and are all after one thing: Your Vote.
Yes, the almighty vote. Your history teacher had you believe it was important, your forefathers fought for it and they even had the audacity to let women vote! Nowadays, any man, woman, or billy goat gets one vote regardless of their sanity. And now, after that whole 3/5s debacle, each vote is equal, and unless you’re caught fondling your goat and convicted in a court of law, you’ll be canceling out someone who knows what they’re doing. So make sure you keep the barn door closed when you’re B’ahhing the yard animals.
But what they didn’t tell you was that your vote really doesn’t count. If it did, Al Gore would have been a two term president, instead of that bumbling puppet, Warlord Bush. Just think, you’d be reading this in your paid-to-date home with clean air to breathe, and have two hovercrafts in the driveway. But alas, Ole Moses told you he was probably going to take your assault rifle away so you went with the F—tard. Real good choice, America.
As it stands now, Americans are split into two categories. You have the decided voters and the idiots. Decided voters knew months ago who they were voting for. Hell, some of those same voters knew 4 years ago who they were voting for, they just didn’t have a candidate yet. This doesn’t make them intelligent, or even mean they’ve chosen the best candidate, it just makes them decisive; or in some cases, ignorant.
Now for all you undecided voters, listen up. With the presidential election looming tomorrow, or when any election is looming for that matter, it could be election for deacon chairman at your church, please keep your ass at home. You are not doing the country any good by showing up, not knowing who is even on the ballot, and casting votes for things that you have no idea about. Please stay at home and watch Maury, or read lies on the internet, or whatever it is you do that doesn’t allow you to make an educated choice as to who you wish to pretend to be in charge of your country for the next four years. But if you do go vote, make sure you vote OPPOSITE of the people making ridiculously biased comments on Facebook, just for satisfaction of pissing them off when “their” candidate loses. Hey, we’re screwed anyway, why not have some fun with this?
Now seriously, regardless if you are decided or undecided, the staff at The Jivewater News, including editor in chief, Senior Editor, have examined the political candidates tirelessly to promote the candidate we feel will best move America forward and provide you with the following information:
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Obama |
First, we looked at our current president, Barack Obama. The last four years have been a mixed bag to say the least. He seems intelligent, a good enough dude, and let’s be honest: he was given the keys to an ’87 Yugo. However, he hasn’t created enough jobs, then just like an elderly woman watching QVC, he kept spending our life savings on crap. Now Jackie Chan owns the US and A. However, does it not seem odd to think the economy is really that bad, when we still have to wait 30 minutes to eat at the f—– Olive Garden on a Monday night, or when we go see the new Batman at 1 o’clock on a Tuesday, we spend the 3 hours with a crook neck in the front row, because the entire place was packed 40 minutes beforehand?? Clearly someone has enjoyed these last four years. But, we’ve still yet to receive our Chevy Truck from the government we were due from the whole bailout thing, and it’s just unforgivable. And don’t get us started on not closing Guantánomo Bay. It’s a real tragedy that we’re still not pampering these terrorists threats. |
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Romney |
Next, we examine Mitt Romney. For starters, the guy is Mormon, yet inexplicably gets a free pass? We’re all for religious tolerance, with the exception of Mormonism, that just cannot stand. Did you people not watch Big Love? Secondly, this guy reeks of rich uncle. You know the one who doesn’t maintain contact with anyone in the family because he thinks he’s better than you, i.e. his shit doesn’t stink? He likes to spend his days bitching about luxury and capital gains taxes. Yeah, it’s a tough life for ol’ Mittens, seems like the last four years haven’t been that rough on him, huh? Maybe he should vote Obama. Not to mention his base is just pissed-off white people, with their vote being more against Obama than it actually would be for Romney. (Tell us we’re wrong, we dare you.) We’d also love to hear his economic plan for reviving America, but we’ve actually received no concrete information, just a large amount of empty words and promises that will be long forgotten in two years (i.e. just like any other candidate before him). And who can forget Tagg, who never came to Franklin, that lying bastard. He made your grandma stand out there in the cold October air, waiting for nothing. In a nutshell (pun intended), Romney would be a terrible president. |
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Mmm, mmm… Goode |
Finally, we arrived, after careful consideration, at Independent candidate, BJ Goode. BJ Goode, a businessman from Texas, has what we believe to be the best ideas to move the country forward. This makes him a triple threat coupled with his qualities of being young, and sexy. As if that wasn’t enough, he’s non-partisan, so he’ll call out both sides of the spectrum for being “total f—tards.” Candidate Goode doesn’t hide behind sneaky advertising and a slick marketing campaign. Instead, his platform is up front. Mr. Goode has also never run for public office, which we believe to be an advantage, as he probably hasn’t sold his soul yet. We’ve put together a few of BJ Goode’s ideas that he will promote after he’s elected, starting with the most important issues first: |
Abortion – Mr. Goode is neither for or against abortion. Instead, he recommends unwanting couples practice a stringent backdoor policy. “Only go in the front, if you want a little runt” was his campaign slogan on the subject.
Gay marriage – Mr. Goode believes that no one should get married, straight or gay. “It’s not something people should be doing. Married people are some of the unhappiest people I know. Its obvious when they go home at night, they wait ‘til their spouse is snoring before they get a pillow to strangle them with in their sleep. The only thing that stops them is that episode of CSI they saw in 2006 about the Goose Down Killer.”
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Ming |
Foreign Policy – Mr. Goode believes that China is the biggest threat. His plan is to convince Iran and the North Koreans that Yao Ming said something about their mommas, inciting a Chinese/Iran/North Korean war. “They’ll get blown off the planet, debt problem solved, two birds, one stone. Knocked that shit out by 11:30 in the morning, we’ll be teeing it up by 1.” Immigration- Mr. Goode believes in illegal Immigration. “Lemme tell you something. We got some lazy people in this country. People don’t want to work for shit, just want it handed to ‘em. Well, if you’re so lazy, why you worried about someone coming in, and landscaping your yard for 30 bucks a day? That toilet ain’t gonna clean itself, come on in!” |
Economy – It’s no secret the economy could be better. Candidate Goode believes we should legalize marijuana. “Look here now, I want that marijuana legal. First, we’ll pardon all marijuana related charges, this will take some strain off of our prisons. Second, the U.S. will sell only the finest reefer and will tax the sale of all pot. Right many of those we’ll pardon will have experience distributing this product. We’ll give them jobs selling it for us, as they know the product in and out. So instead of tax payers paying for their incarceration, they’ll actually have a tax-paying job. The reefer will save us and set us free, if not, everyone will at least be mellow about it.”
Gun Control – Mr. Goode’s take on gun control is steeped in the second amendment. “Look here, when was that damn Constitution written? What kinda guns did they have back then? Muskets. One shot, then a good minute to reload. Nowadays we got guns that can shoot 500 rounds a minute. I think that’s overkill. We need to take back these machine guns, but if you want a musket, why, have at it good Sir. That’s what the founding fathers intended, as surely they had no idea we’d have automatic weapons one day. So a musket for each and every home.” This was a big hit in Southampton County, as its believed with his election, they’ll finally get that muzzleloading passed.
Energy- Mr. Goode also has an interesting take on energy. His vaunted, stay your ass at home plan is being lauded as a way to save millions of gallons of gasoline each day. The initiative asks that citizens either buy a faggy Prius, or they can “stay their ass at home and watch the TV.”
We here at the JWN believe in Mr. Goode’s message, and fully endorse him as our choice for POTUS. When you have a punch bowl with two turds floating in it, you throw out the punch bowl and hit your flask all night.
Mr. Goode is that flask. Here’s to B.J. Goode in 2012!