ISLE OF WIGHT—An escaped work-release Isle of Wight inmate was apprehended in Boykins this week by esteemed State Troopers Stanley Johnson and Moe Parr. According to the forensics done on the gaping hole of the inmate’s hindparts, the unfortunate inmate was caught around 8:45 p.m Monday, with the perianal damage coming from Trooper Johnson’s size 14 steel-toe workboot.
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Ben A. Dumas, 24, escaped about 7:30 a.m. from the Isle of Wight fairgrounds, where he was working in preparation for this week’s fair. IOW Sheriff, Han Cuffs, described the escape. “They were doing some testing on the stage for the concerts. Dumas said he had some band experience and he would like to assist with the sound check. He proceeds to get on stage and sing “5-1-5-0, Somebody Call the Po-Po.” Some of the younger officers started doing a little toe tapping and let it go on. Well then he starts doing a little Cash – “Folsom Prison Blues,” then the Old Timers started getting into it. Before you know it, the whole damn police force is jaunting about. |
Needless to say, we lost control there for a little bit. At this point he had the officers eating out of his hand, and he proceeds to sing Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun,” only he changed Janie to Bubba. Bubba is our most suspect work-release prisoner, so all the officers converge on Bubba, and just like that, Dumas was gone.”
At that point, Sheriff Cuffs believes Dumas was then picked up by his girlfriend, Bonnie Clyde, 34, and that the couple was likely heading toward Richmond to get a quick flight out of the country. “I imagine it’s a long way to Richmond, rollin’ north on 95, with a fugitive ridin’ shotgun and APBs out on your ride,” said Cuffs.
After learning of the escaped convict, Trooper Johnson quickly radioed Trooper Parr and informed him, “some idiot thinks he can run again, time to saddle up!”
The Dynamic Duo quickly sprang into action, gaining access to about ten recorded telephone conversations from the jail between Bonnie Clyde and Ben A. Dumas. “It was less about escape plans and more of her telling Dumas what she was going to do to him when he gets out. We really learned a lot and hope to put some of that to use in the future. We’ll just say, no wonder that dude wanted to escape so bad. I, uh, made copies… you know, for myself, er… I mean, you know, in case he escapes again.”
“After listening to those calls for a solid six hours, we figured we’d better get to work,” said Parr. “We knew they wouldn’t go south of the border for fear of being rear-ended by a North Carolinian, so that allowed us to focus on them going west. We also knew they’d be low on money, so they’d probably stop at the shittiest gas station around. It then dawned on each of us at the same time. The Red Barn in Boykins!”
The Dynamic Duo quickly got in their unmarked and inconspicuous 1987 Ford POS and got to Boykins before dusk. “We knew they’d steal our good cars, and the police aren’t really loved around here, so we had to bring the biggest POS we could find. We settled in and began our stakeout,” said Parr. “We were pretty efficient too, I arrested 9 prostitutes in a couple of hours,” added Johnson.
“We wanted to blend in, and usually we do things by the book, but this was a special case. We braved the Red Barn, went inside, and purchased two 40oz Miller High Lifes, came back out, and loitered in front of the store.” It may have been the best camouflage we’ve ever created,” said Parr.
The stakeout continued for another hour or so, when around 8:40, the fugitive couple pulled into the Red Barn to gas up at the historical site and hallowed ground of the famous 1993 Civil War Reenactment. “Being a gentleman, Dumas let Clyde pump her own gas, while he went into the Red Barn to get a healthy dinner,” said Parr. Johnson quickly went into the Red Barn, and I deftly moved around the vehicle, took Clyde by surprise, and threw her in the back.
Inside, Johnson described the scene. “Dumas was complaining to the clerk that he had been drained of all his bodily fluids, and that he wanted the biggest red Gatorade known to man. Not trying to blow my cover, I appeared to be pondering a spirited choice between a fine can of Country Club, or a more upscale Steel Reserve. Dumas started walking past me, as he did, I flung open the glass refrigerator door, knocking him to the ground. He was down for the count, but as he lay there, I made sure to give him my stamp of approval and shoved my boot up his hind end. I think of it as a branding. Now he can go back to the communal shower and let the other prisoners now what fate awaits them if they try to run. All in a day’s work,” said Johnson proudly.
Dumas was convicted on charges of capias, lewd phone conversations over open airways, and stealing Clyde’s heart, according to the release by Sheriff Cuffs. If he had stayed off the concert stage and continued in the release program, he would have been released in about two days.
Clyde, who was to be charged with aiding and abetting escape has been let go, after she made a persuasive phone call to both Judge Bangen Gavel and Governor McDonnell. “I got that phone conversation on tape too,” said Johnson, “…you know, for evidence.”